Doswell Man Claims TSA Went out of its Way to Keep Him Out of the Body Scanner at RIC

Armentrout: the only plane passenger allowed
to carry a pipe bomb in his anus

In light of recent news reports of an attractive woman at the Dallas-Fort Worth airport forced to pass three times through the body scanner to the delight of the male officers present, butt-ugly Blanton Road resident Harry Armentrout claims the TSA officers at Richmond International Airport “went out of their way” to keep him away from the full body scanners after numerous alarms sounded after he passed through the first stage metal detector.

“When I went through the first detector every bell and whistle on it went off,” claims the shirtless and repulsive Armentrout, sporting his “Git-R-Dun” forehead tattoo in the den of his squalid mobile home. “Don’t know what set it off, but shoot, all the security officers were females, and I figured what the hell – give me the wand, the scanner and the full-body patdown – the works! Hell, I woulda stripped buck naked had they asked!”

But apparently the TSA officers had second thoughts about touching, scanning or even approaching the squat, hairy man who is as attractive as Jurassic-era road kill and reeked of greasy flatus and spoiled milk. “They tried to say I was ok and just wave me through but I wouldn’t budge,” said the lascivious Armentrout, licking his cankered lips, “I even winked and told ‘em I maybe had a pipe bomb up my butt and I’d a bent over and showed it to ‘em but they said that didn’t matter, and would I just please get out of the security line and board my plane. Hell, I was gonna do a little dance in that scanner!”

A TSA spokesman at RIC shuddered at the mention of Armentrout’s situation and tried to deflect the questions surrounding his being let on a plane after his admission of carrying an explosive device onboard. “Oh, look at the time,” he finally answered, “I told my wife I would rotate the tires on the Bonneville on the way home. Bye.”

Armentrout said that eventually he was forced at gunpoint to be escorted around through the exit, then let back over so he could catch his flight to Orlando. “I had a accident at work and they offered me a cruise instead of worker’s comp – can you believe it?” he said. “Wanna see my tan lines?”