Mark Wahlberg: “I could have saved Joe Paterno’s life”

Wahlberg saving the life of an
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Action movie celebrity “Marky” Mark Wahlberg stated yesterday evening after hearing of the death of former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno that had he been present at Paterno’s bedside he could have taken “drastic medical procedures” that would have saved the football legend’s life.

In addition to have been able to stop the 9/11 attacks (as he stated last week), Wahlberg says he would have initiated a series of “high-profile action maneuvers”, including grabbing the coach’s bed and pushing it fast down the hallway to an Operating room, where he would have either grabbed a huge syringe and plunged it into paterno’s chest cavity, or grabbed a charged set of paddles, rubbed them together while shouting “everyone stand back!”, then “Clear!” as he plunged the paddle’s on the coach’s chest, reviving his heart and bringing him back to health.

After reviving Paterno, the action star says he would have “clamored down the drainpipe outside the building, then jumped through the open moonroof of my BMW” before driving home to make up some stir fry and watch some “Frasier” reruns.

In addition to saving Joe Paterno, Wahlberg also says if on the scene, he also could have stopped the Titanic from sinking (or the Jim Cameron movie from being made), saved the Hindenburg, and “done a hell of a better job with a water belly landing” than Captain Chesley Sullenberg when emergency landing U.S. Airways flight flight 1549 on the Hudson River.

"First of all, I could have braked and banked the plane 90 degrees port to avoid that flock of geese," claims the Napoleonic actor, "Then skimmed the Hudson until we did a soft entry up on the sand bank on the east side. No harm, no foul, and nobpody would even get their shoes wet.

"They would be today calling it the 'Wahlberg Phenomenon' or something like that."