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| Lowery: Randy letter writer |
Doswell resident Robert Lowery has admitted in a shocking interview published at Adultdirectory.com that he was the sole author of every letter written to Penthouse magazine for 14 straight years, from 1973 up until he retired in 1987.
“Yea, it was me,” said the randy scrivener, “I can’t believe this is such a shock to everybody – I mean even an idiot could see they were all written the same.”
Lowery says he was a student at a “small mid-western university” when he got the gig from publisher and editor Bob Guccione. “I used that ‘I am a student at a small mid-western university’ line thousands of times, and it proved to be a winner, even though it wasn’t at all accurate.”
Lowery also says that many other terms he invented were used thousands of times, with no one the wiser that they all came from the same author. “I was fond of 70’s terms like ‘honeypot’, ‘tool’, ‘raring to go’, ‘quivering’ and ‘blooming’ and others, and mixed them up every way I could think of.”
Reached in the 7th circle of Hell for comment, former Penthouse Magazine publisher Bob Guccione admitted during a marathon session of having his skin boiled and filleted off in ribbons and the underlying raw tissue scrubbed with wire brushes soaked in carbolic acid that Lowery indeed had been hired on a free-lance basis to pen all the letters to the magazine within a year or two of its startup. “Lowery had a good resume and his samples were superb,” Guccione claimed in between shrieks as his large intestine was pulled from his rectum and wrapped around a thorny stick by a minion of Mammon. “His grasp of imaginary sexual proclivities and his setting of those proclivities at small mid-western universities kept the magazine grounded in Americana, even though other areas of the magazine appealed to more international tastes.”
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| Guccione: AAAGGHHH!!! |
Guccione had to cut the interview short since he was late for his appointment at the 8th circle to be sodomized by Mastema the Usurper’s enormous barbed halberd-penis and its ejaculate of molten sand. “I’d certainly like to hear how Mr. Lowery describes what is about to happen to me!” says the thrice-damned publisher as he tries to exit the area on legs that had been horribly shattered and twisted into obscene shapes. “But I can assure you this place is no small mid-western university.”
Back in Doswell, Lowery admitted that not one of the letters he wrote accurately reflected the actual behavior of his fellow students at that small mid-western university during those Carter/Reagan years. “People would think from my words that small mid-western universities were hotbeds of illict sexual activity 24 hours a day,” he says, “when in fact they were dull as dishwater. I never saw a game of Twister get sexy, even when it was coed or all-girl. I never saw two women kiss, and the relationships between the professors and the students was strictly academic. Believe me, I had to make all that stuff up. It was brutal.”
Lowery says that even though he is retired as a dirty letter writer he is hoping to parlay his experience again into the literary arts. “I may even go back to school to further my education,” he claims, hoping to gain admission to perhaps Butler University in Indianapolis, Bradley University in Peoria, or even Drury University in Springfield, Missouri.
