Please Stand By - Blogger's Presentation Marred by Tea Party Shenanigans

A peaceful presentation by Newsfromdoswell blogger Dale Brumfield was interrupted by technical difficulties instigated, no doubt, by tea party activists bent on stopping his talk.

"I worked for the better part of an afternoon on this Powerpoint," claims Brumfield as he beat and banged the remote on a guest's head to advance to the next slide. "Then those dang tea partiers got hold of it and ruined it!"

Brumfield had planned to talk about his book, "Three Buck Naked Commodes: and 18 More Tales from a Small Town" and show even more pictures from his uneventful childhood, but he found quickly that all the slides had been replaced by "Please Stand By" cards and test patterns.

Even though Brumfield's computer was not left unattended, Brumfield still clung to his tea party story, whining loudly about their atrocious and demagogic rhetoric. "I had to improvise because of them", he claimed, "Instead of showing pictures of my 6th birthday party, I had to switch to telling the history of the test pattern, which is complicated and rambling."

Guests at the talk, presented at the Augusta County Library in Fishersville, said they didn't notice the abrupt switch in subject matter. "I dozed through most of it anyway," says Stuarts Draft resident Howard Lloyd.

Obama Embarks on 20-city Book Tour to Promote “Health Care Reform II: the Heretic”

Biden Falls into Open Manhole

On Tuesday President Obama loaded up the Presidential Winnebago with a change of suits, snacks and a carton of Pall Malls while First Lady Michelle and a dozen forklifts loaded a fleet of dump trucks with 5,000 copies of his latest novel, “Health Care Reform II: the Heretic” for personal appearances to promote the epic novel, described by critics as a ‘gothic horror comedy’.

“Let me be clear - no one is forcing anyone to buy my book right away,” said the President, squinting through belching clouds of diesel exhaust from the groaning trucks leading the motor coach down I-95 to his first stop, the Dale City, Virginia Barnes & Noble. “In fact they have until 2014 to make payments before they own it, and If they like your current book, they can keep it – I’ve been saying that all along. The price of my book will not make theirs go up one dime.”

Armed with a life-size cutout, a reinforced card table, VP Biden and 40 copies of the 3,000-page tome, Obama nearly had a “Spinal Tap Moment” while at the bookseller until wife Michelle rounded up almost 100 people, all suffering from some sort of debilitating illness, to stand in line to purchase the volume. “It’s funny – every ambulatory patient over in Stafford County Hospital wanted to come see the President and buy his book,” said assistant Bill Burton, as he fetched the President an ash tray and an ice bucket, “And it just so happens that we had a staff photographer on hand to record these sick Americans shaking hands with the President, thanking him for writing his book then buying it – unless, of course, their condition is either communicable or just plain gross.”

Some of the buyers balked at the book’s $1.5 trillion price tag. “It’s a tad steep,” one woman noted, under the sympathetic glower of the first lady and numerous armed guards, “but like the President said, as long as it pays my mortgage and puts gas in my car it will be worth it.”

Meanwhile, VP Joe Biden took it upon himself to go out to the Winnebago to fetch a box of white physician lab jackets when he accidentally fell down an open manhole in the parking lot. “Great f***ing Scott” he muttered from deep inside the open sewer, where he had to stay until the end of the signing.

Inside, the President had a ball, laughing, posing for pictures with the sick people and signing his books. “Merry Christmas, DeCarlo!” he wrote to one young man.

There was a brief moment of terror when someone dropped a quarter and Burton shouted “Shots fired!” Secret Service wrestled the President under the table until the all-clear was sounded. “Damn tea partiers!” Michelle said, “They’re behind this!” The AP reporter present scribbled furiously, angry at being pulled from Sarah Palin duty to cover the President’s book tour.

“Prezidints Book Speach Marred by Tea Party Violinse” he wrote.

After two hours of speeches extolling the book, and after selling all 40 copies, Obama packed up his card table and cutout and trudged wearily back out across the dark parking lot to the Winnebago, ignoring Bill Burton’s attempts to extract Joe Biden from the manhole.

“The country has waited 100 years for a book as good as mine,” he said as he kicked back and lit up a smoke, “And this is hard work, but I got to keep going because the competition is fierce. Right now there are these people writing a fantasy fiction piece about a Republican takeover in the House in November. And they think THAT idea sells!”

“Only Chumps and Hypocrites” Will hold Health Insurance Under New Reform Law

Keeping existing health insurance policies will be "hypocritical" under the new “no pre-existing condition” rule with the newly-passed Health Reform Act, says newly-hired Liberal Newsfromdoswell contributor Art Mutt.

“If you are healthy and are paying health insurance, either by check every month or by payroll deduction in your job, and you were in favor of the health insurance reform passed yesterday, then you are a hypocrite,” says Mutt. “Since pre-existing conditions will be covered under the law, then there is no reason to continue padding the coffers of the ‘evil’ health insurance companies, who are only using your premiums to withhold coverage from all those poor, uncovered props, er, victims used by the President over the last month to illustrate just how evil they truly are.”

Mutt claims that it will be more advantageous for policyholders to stop paying hundreds and even thousands of dollars annually in premiums to the insurance providers and remit the $2,000 fine directly to the IRS, whose 16,000 new health commission agents will be prowling the countryside, knocking on doors and verifying coverage. “If you sincerely believe the government knows more about health care than the insurance companies, then why pay those thousands of dollars when you can stroke a penalty check directly to the government who knows better too what is best for you?” he said. “God knows the IRS can make better use of your money than Anthem, or Optima or one of those other awful organizations.”

“I want you knocking on doors!” President Obama said over and over to the IRS, “Verifying insurance coverage!”

“When those IRS agents come a’knockin’, just look them in the eye, tell them no, you have no health insurance, but you will happily pay the no-insurance fine,” Mutt says. “And you may also want to whisper to them that neighbors Marv and Dot, 2 doors down, carry one of those reviled ‘discount’ health plans – you know, the ones deemed ‘unacceptable’ by the Health Commission, bought off a business card tacked up in a Sheetz Station. It may be worth a discount in your own IRS penalty payment to see Marv and Dot hauled away to insurance prison!”

“Then, if you have a diagnosis of colon cancer – boo-yah! Get on the phone to Anthem, tell ‘em you have cancer, and that you want to buy health insurance to cover your treatments.” Mutt continued, flying in the face of common sense and Economics 101. “And tell ‘em they better not gouge you because of the cancer, because that is illegal now. Better for them to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for your cancer treatments than for you to pay premiums when you aren’t even sick.”

“That’s not crazy, that’s good economic sense.”

Mutt stresses that health insurance companies are despicable entities to be vilified, unless their services are needed. “They’re terrible people, what with their 2% profit margins and all. Paying for health insurance today, after passage of this law, is the old ‘Bush-era’ way of doing things.”

“If you support the Health Reform Law, don’t be a hypocrite,” he adds, “Cancel that health insurance – today!”

About contributor Art Mutt: Art is a graduate of the University of Post Office Box 1000, with an Associates degree in General Information. He was hired by Doswell Town Fathers to add ‘balance’ to News From Doswell, because Brumfield is a freaking fruitcake anyway.

Silent Killer: Study Shows 2 Million People with Health Insurance Die Annually

A statistic provided recently by a Harvard study showed that every year 45,000 people die without health insurance. Conversely, the study also showed that almost 2,000,000 WITH health insurance die in the same time period.

Clearly, owning health insurance is killing American citizens in record numbers.

“The stats don’t lie,” stated Harvard researcher Dr. Warren Boles, who spearheaded the 5-year study. “Obviously, owning health insurance in the United States is worse than an Ebola diagnosis, which has a mortality of about 30%. Having a bad case of major medical insurance has an 88% mortality. Someone has to do something, and soon.”

“Since the Democrats started talking about all the people dying without health insurance, I thought I better get it, quick,” said Doswell resident Frank Irvin, “Now I find out you’re more likely to die with it than without it! What kind of bait-&-switch crap is that?”

“People with health insurance should be on the lookout for the warning signs,” said Dr. Boles. “For example, if you have a policy and start feeling like you are going to die, you should seek medical care immediately, because the chances are you will die.”

The results of the study prove to Republicans that by mandating health insurance coverage the government wants to see everyone dead. “Owning health insurance, especially a federal government-sponsored policy, is a death warrant,” says Congressman Maxwell E. Kent, R-Idaho. “I don’t know who they think is going to pay all those taxes they are planning to increase, because everybody’s going to be on the other side of the dirt if they all have health insurance. This administration should be ashamed.”

Senate Performs Budget Abortion on Planned Parenthood without Explaining Alternatives

In the wake of government funding cuts, Planned Parenthood wandered inside the Federal Senate budget appropriations office, scared and confused, wondering what the future held after it found is was bloated with an excess of $3.5 million in a budgeting “accident”. The Senate coldly took Planned Parenthood’s name and information, explained that there were no other options, and promptly aborted the excess in regional funding from its 2010-2011 budget, leaving Planned Parenthood alone and sobbing on the sidewalk.

“They gave me no alternative” the “family planning” organization claimed when the ghastly procedure was over. “We offered to divert funds, or donate the money to sister organizations, even hold it over until the next fiscal year, but no, they said they knew what was best for me before they strapped me to a table and sliced my budget open, vacuumed out the line items and discarded them in a trash can. It was horrible.”

“The Senate didn’t even ask who the paternal instigator of the legislation was,” Planned Parenthood wailed outside the Congressional budget Office, “They said they didn’t want to know, since legally he no longer held any responsibility anyway.”

“The creators of line-item budgets for entities such as Planned Parenthood are of no interest to us,” claimed the anonymous Senate hatchet man who excised the monies from Planned Parenthood’s inflated and doughy midsection, “The law is clear on this matter. Besides, the monies Planned Parenthood unexpectedly found inside itself was not viable, unable to survive outside the organization, and hardly adoptable by any other federally-controlled women’s health organization.”

“It was also done for the good of everyone involved to abort the monies so as not to be a future burden on other government women’s health alliances” He said.

Meanwhile, Planned Parenthood says it is writing off the experience as a learning experience and plans to budget much more carefully in the future, perhaps using more prophylactic measures when interacting with other Senate or House members on budgeting issues. “I plan to keep my books closed.” It claimed, saying that it will probably instead utilize oral exchanges such as those preferred during the Clinton Administration.

Optima Drops Barack Obama from White House PPO

Smoking, high cholesterol keeps President in high-risk pool; his coverage terminated to protect low-risk members

President Barack Obama received notice on Friday that he was being dropped from the Optima-Choice PPO health plan retained by fellow employees at the White House due to a number of high-risk factors revealed in a recent screening at a Capitol Hill health fair, including tobacco-use and high cholesterol readings.

“This is exactly the kind of abuse by insurers to policyholders that I’ve been talking about,” stated the President after reading the formal notice mailed to him by Optima, informing him of his coverage termination. “Now what am I supposed to do? And they didn’t even spell my name right on the letter!”

White House Human Resources director Janet Melton was sympathetic to the President’s plight, but could offer no reasonable alternatives. “If Mr. Obama quit the cigarettes 6 months before the health screenings, like I suggested, and cut out the fatty red meats, he would not be in this situation right now.” Melton did concur that the president’s name had indeed been misspelled on the notice from Optima.

“Now I’m going to have to get on the phone Monday to try to find some decent health insurance,” the President said, flipping the letter over several times to make sure there was nothing on the back of it to contra-indicate the language on the front. “And this termination is going to make it twice as expensive – plus my pre-existing conditions are going to price me in the sub-standard bracket, or whatever they call it. This is a disaster.”

Optima spokesman Wayne Ball was also sympathetic to the President, citing that the decision was made to terminate Obama’s coverage based on statements made by him and the results of the screening. “The President never revealed on his original application last year that he was a smoker,” Ball said in a phone interview, “Plus his experience will adversely affect the risk-pool, driving up everyone’s rate. He was adamant when elected that no one group be singled out for increases by the health of one of the members, so rather than raise the rates of the entire group we terminated the coverage of the one.”

“We were only doing what the President told us to do.” Ball did, however, say that Optima would note the name change in their database and mail a correction.

Obama vehemently disagreed with Optima’s explanation. “I never said that, or I never meant it that way,” he sputtered, “If I switch carriers or buy it direct instead of through payroll, my premiums will double, and that is unsustainable.” The president also said he got on the phone to Optima and “was put through an interactive voice response hell”, being shuffled through numerous options until he finally got cut off without speaking to a real person.

The major medical fiasco was the second insurance-related boondoggle to hit Obama last week. He sustained a major increase on a 10-year term life policy that came up for renewal. “They renewed me as a smoker, which tripled the premium,” he whined, “Now I’m going to pay $122 per month for a $25,000 life policy. That’s just crazy.”

Obama says that he is going to postpone a trip to Asia until after he gets this health insurance problem fixed. “I saw a business card up inside a Wa-Wa station in Springfield from a guy who claims to offer guaranteed coverage discount health insurance, for about $40 a month. Guess I’ll go by and get one then give him a call.”

“I tell you what, Pelosi and Reid better get their acts together on this health care bill,” Obama said, jutting a finger for emphasis, “because I have to have an abscess removed soon and I’ll be darned if I’m going to pay out of pocket.”

When told that his admission of the pre-existing condition would prevent any carrier from paying for it, he cursed in anger and smacked his fist on his desk. “Shutup, Barack, shutup!” he shouted.

BREAKING: NEWSFROMDOSWELL REHIRES BRUMFIELD

Blog to Return; Brumfield “Bitter” about Riff with Doswell Town Fathers

Anxious to return to work

A press release issued this morning reported that blogger Dale Brumfield (left, in a more relaxed moment) has been re-hired to continue “News From Doswell” the award-winning blog that is considered “The best source of news this side of Bret Baer”, Fox reporter and son of Actor Max Baer, who played Oliver Wendell Douglas on the hit 1960’s TV show, “Honey West”.

Brumfield says that the blog will focus more on TV and politics, two topics not considered off-limits by the bone-headed powers-that-be, and one that he happens to be not at all familiar with. “I am suddenly quite politically active,” Brumfield says, “For example, I heard about this guy named Eugene V. Debs, and became a big supporter of him, then I read on Wikipedia who he really was, now I'm not so sure.”

Brumfield admits his complete ignorance of any worthwhile political process will be a boon to Newsfromdoswell readers, since he basically has to start from scratch. “What better person to write authoritatively about politics then someone who knows nothing about it?” he claims.

And ever since the Augusta County Library called him a “TV Theorist” he is suddenly an expert on television. “Go on, ask me something” he says smugly. He is, however, known for his extensive knowledge of test patterns, EBS broadcasts, static, color bars, sign-ons, close-downs and technical difficulties.

The New Newsfromdoswell will resume a semi-sporadic publishing schedule beginning any day now.