The incident began hours earlier, when the congressional blue hair tour bus full of Republicans and Democrats stopped at a 7-Eleven for a break on their way to driving to “bankruptcy 2010”, the newest excursion on the Congressional Blue Hair Tourist line after dropping a load of several Native American voters off at a polling place after enjoying a box lunch at the expense of their democratic hosts.
“The democrats all bought Zimas, only not one of them had their IDs,” explained rider John Boehner, “so they kept telling the clerk that the next guy in line was paying, until it got all the way back to us republicans at the back of the line, who only bought Slurpees. The guy wouldn’t let us out of the store without paying, even though Barry said we would be out by summer, so we had to pool our funds to buy the democrats’ damn Zima’s. Leave it to the dems to make someone else pay for their stuff.”
Coming out of the 7-Eleven many democratic riders were concerned when they saw Barry ask several of them to crawl under the bus – which they dutifully did – then grabbed and threw a couple of others underneath, for no apparent reason. When asked by MSNBC pundit Chris Matthews why he did it after pulling his head from the president’s behind and shaking the tingle out of his pants, Barry merely smiled and said “For traction.”
After the 7-Eleven break the delegates were happy to be back on the road, rocking out to “Back in the USSR” and “Taxman” by Paul McCartney and some other guys he used to perform with playing on the bus’s 8-track player and their own singalongs, including one called “2500 Pages of Obamacare on the Wall”, suggested by former swamp-drainer Nancy Pelosi.
“We need to sing this song to see what the words are” she said through Botox-deadened cheekbones and eyebrows that refused to move..
“I hope you all enjoy where I am fundamentally driving this bus,” Barry called out in between verses, “because America, we cannot – and will not – turn back. Except if this bus plunges.”
Then a near-tragedy struck when the bus veered to the left and ran off the narrow road into a muddy ditch, bogging it into a quagmire somewhere between 2149 and 2148 pages of Obamacare on the wall. Barry pumped the gas and tried to restart the bus, only to give up after only one try, claiming loudly that it was “hopelessly broken” and blaming the failed maintenance policies of the past on the last driver, a “hapless loser” named George.
“I inherited a suck-ass bus” he wailed as he gave the finger to a group of Boy Scouts who stopped to help. “If that George and his stupid maintenance staff had taken care of this bus it would never had wrecked. That stupid Harvard graduate knew nothing about buses!”
“This is what we get for depending on deep-water drilled fossil fuels,” he moaned. “If those oceans would just stop rising like I said they would we wouldn’t have to drill so deep and we could be driving on safe, effective job-creating solar panels.”
Once the bus got stuck many of the republicans got out through the rear emergency door since they had been consigned to the back, then stood by the side of the road, sipping their Coke Slurpees and wondering when Tea Party members were going to send help to get it out. For entertainment the young gun faction of the party peeled out of their shirts, flexed and posed, drawing oohs and ahs from the older members, who told them they were “looking fiscally huge” while Barry screamed at the dems to get their asses out and push.
All of the republicans did get a good laugh watching Obama at the wheel, punching the gas in reverse while the Democrats pushed against him, from the back. When notified by the giggling onlookers they were pushing against each other, the Dems trudged around to the front of the bus and started pushing while Obama shifted into Drive, flooring the accelerator and bogging the bus down even worse, drawing even more hearty guffaws from the Slurpee-sipping observers.
After almost a month of rocking the bus Barry hopped out of the driver’s seat and all the dems saw the opening, yelling “dibbs on steering” as they scrambled back on board while Barry pushed by himself, noting that if he wanted something done he needed to do it himself.
After about 22 months of pushing, with Pelosi and Reid taking turns at the wheel, the bus finally slogged out of the muddy ditch, to a chorus of cheers from the seat-clinging democrats and the gassy, syrupy republicans from the embankment. But the cheers turned to groans as the bus sped out onto the road, took a hard left then plunged straight off the cliff on the other side.
“Hey,” Barry whispered to the rear of the bus as it vanished over the side, “the bus is plunging.”
“Dammit, those democrats were too stupid to know what was best for them,” he stated, kicking the mud off his golf shoes after the bus stopped plunging. “They wouldn’t listen at me.”
As of today 60 democrats were lost in the great bus plunge of 2010, creating or saving a like number of republicans. Despite many dems complaining that the bus would never have plunged had Barry not hugged the left edge of the road so much, Barry stated as they waited for the Blue Hair tours to send a replacement bus that the loss of many Democrats would not necessarily change his driving habits, as he was always prone to hug the far left anyway.
“I have no plans to drive down the center of the road,” he stated, stating that he hoped his Nobel Prize would be OK and would be salvaged from the wreckage he left somewhere at the bottom of the cliff.
“It was ultimately a good thing that Obama was the driver this time,” said an anonymous republican as a church bus pulled up to take them home, “I recall when Ted Kennedy was our driver, and we were on eggs whenever he drove over a gorge like this. He liked to say that he ‘never met a bridge he couldn’t drive off of’.”
“He was no Chappaquitter, I’ll give him that.”
