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| You are getting annngggrrryyy..... |
Remember me? I’m the obsession with Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli that resides inside your head on the edge of your cognitive frontal lobe in the ritzy limbic system. You know me quite well – I started out as a little impulse on the ventral area of the lobe surface just after the GOP sweep in Virginia, now every time Kenny-boy there up and does something that gets him some publicity I spring into action, inhibiting serotonin production and prompting you into a frenzy of furious, condescending blogging and complaining that can make you beat your head against the nearest available hard surface, trying to get me out.
You may not like me being in here, what with this conservative Republican administration only getting warmed up, but, sorry, there, old bean, like the Cooch I’m here to stay – at least until the next election.
What about our Attorney General do you want to obsess over today? You saw that feature on him in the Washington Post in July, didn’t you? Yes, for starters it triggered abnormal extensor movement and increased perspiration, because it portrayed him not as the lunatic-fringe flat-earth troglodyte you wanted him to be but as a dedicated Christian, pro-life family man.
Man, how about those paroxysms of spastic neuron seizures! Youch! That’s it – now I’m doing my job! Block everything else out of your head while you fixate on those pictures of Cooch and his wife and – gulp – seven Homeschooligans! How dare he live that traditional nuclear family lifestyle! How dare he profane the game of softball with his presence! How . . . hey, easy with the adrenaline, that stuff burns! Deep breathing is the key! In, out, in out. That’s better. The Sarah Palin obsession that lives in the next quadrant complains about the adrenaline spills, since they can be buggers to cap! Good thing she put up that neurocognitive network barrier!
Damn that Washington Post! They had the opportunity to trash Cuccinelli and didn’t! I’ll remind you later to dash off a blog entry expressing your anger. It’s an annoyance to you, I know, but it’s nothing compared to the UVA fraud probe is it? Boy, I love bringing that one up because now you’re starting to shake again in rage – how dare the Cooch question research models and results within the hallowed ivy-covered halls of our state’s finest institutions! Even though climatologist Michael Mann could have fudged climate results with state grant money due to the almost universal debunking of global warming, it is no precedent for the state’s highest legal office to uphold the fraud against taxpayer’s act (FATA) and actually ask to see the research to make sure, right? We don't want no college egghead taking advantage of our tax dollars, right?
Great – yes, now the posterior hypothalamus is raising your body temperature and the ventromedial prefrontal cortex is flooding the capillaries of your face with excessive blood flow, again giving you that angry rosy red glow that accompanies my dissipation deep within your thalamus. I do love my job!
Oh, man – here come those Tea Party obsessions! What prompted the pleasure of all these interruptions? Hey guys, can you keep it down? You’re too loud! I said you’re too loud! Hey tea partiers, can you take it somewhere else?
Ok, they’re leaving – they heard there was an assembly down in the basal ganglia with the obsessions from Fox News, especially the Glenn Beck fixation. They’re planning to enter into the non-termination cortex and party in the lentiform nuclei, smack in the middle of OCD territory! They work hard and motor tic harder!
But that’s not my style. The great thing about being a simple obsession like me is that I prefer to fester and irritate over time then grow into a huge, tumor-like protuberance that consumes your very life in a natural, progressive way, because you like that word “progressive”, right?
Hey I caught a fragment of what’s left of Dick Cheney – he said he was being crowded out by a Christine O’Donnell obsession. What a psychotropic shelf life that guy had!
Just for fun I’m sending a ping to your midbrain reminding you of Cuccinelli’s ruling on the state’s immigration ruling. That was quick – look at that immediate boil of your amygdala! The space in your prefrontal lobe that normally stores the data where you left your car keys is now blocked, spilling over with apneustic hyper-respiration, causing those wacky tremors that I provoke in your vagus nerve! You drooling yet? Feel your bowels twitching? Oooohhh baby!
The more you utilize my obsessive services the bigger I grow and the more securely I latch on to your stem and lobes until eventually you’ll spend every waking moment in ataxic, paralyzing shock, unable to think or write a sensible sentence without blathering the Cooch’s name! I’m awesome that way! You’re seething and booting up your laptop right now, aren’t you? What is this time? The Virginia state seal? The health care reform lawsuit? Ow! Hot! More adrenaline!
Hey wait a minute! You found another liberal blog post criticizing the Cooch and you’re typing a rambling, smug, condescending, name-calling obscenity-laced response and it’s calming you down! No fair! You’re preaching to the choir! That has the same effect on me as picturing Ernest Borgnine naked! I’m shrinking!
OK – I’m down but you know I’ll be back. Mission accomplished – for now!
You may not like me being in here, what with this conservative Republican administration only getting warmed up, but, sorry, there, old bean, like the Cooch I’m here to stay – at least until the next election.
What about our Attorney General do you want to obsess over today? You saw that feature on him in the Washington Post in July, didn’t you? Yes, for starters it triggered abnormal extensor movement and increased perspiration, because it portrayed him not as the lunatic-fringe flat-earth troglodyte you wanted him to be but as a dedicated Christian, pro-life family man.
Man, how about those paroxysms of spastic neuron seizures! Youch! That’s it – now I’m doing my job! Block everything else out of your head while you fixate on those pictures of Cooch and his wife and – gulp – seven Homeschooligans! How dare he live that traditional nuclear family lifestyle! How dare he profane the game of softball with his presence! How . . . hey, easy with the adrenaline, that stuff burns! Deep breathing is the key! In, out, in out. That’s better. The Sarah Palin obsession that lives in the next quadrant complains about the adrenaline spills, since they can be buggers to cap! Good thing she put up that neurocognitive network barrier!
Damn that Washington Post! They had the opportunity to trash Cuccinelli and didn’t! I’ll remind you later to dash off a blog entry expressing your anger. It’s an annoyance to you, I know, but it’s nothing compared to the UVA fraud probe is it? Boy, I love bringing that one up because now you’re starting to shake again in rage – how dare the Cooch question research models and results within the hallowed ivy-covered halls of our state’s finest institutions! Even though climatologist Michael Mann could have fudged climate results with state grant money due to the almost universal debunking of global warming, it is no precedent for the state’s highest legal office to uphold the fraud against taxpayer’s act (FATA) and actually ask to see the research to make sure, right? We don't want no college egghead taking advantage of our tax dollars, right?
Great – yes, now the posterior hypothalamus is raising your body temperature and the ventromedial prefrontal cortex is flooding the capillaries of your face with excessive blood flow, again giving you that angry rosy red glow that accompanies my dissipation deep within your thalamus. I do love my job!
Oh, man – here come those Tea Party obsessions! What prompted the pleasure of all these interruptions? Hey guys, can you keep it down? You’re too loud! I said you’re too loud! Hey tea partiers, can you take it somewhere else?
Ok, they’re leaving – they heard there was an assembly down in the basal ganglia with the obsessions from Fox News, especially the Glenn Beck fixation. They’re planning to enter into the non-termination cortex and party in the lentiform nuclei, smack in the middle of OCD territory! They work hard and motor tic harder!
But that’s not my style. The great thing about being a simple obsession like me is that I prefer to fester and irritate over time then grow into a huge, tumor-like protuberance that consumes your very life in a natural, progressive way, because you like that word “progressive”, right?
Hey I caught a fragment of what’s left of Dick Cheney – he said he was being crowded out by a Christine O’Donnell obsession. What a psychotropic shelf life that guy had!
Just for fun I’m sending a ping to your midbrain reminding you of Cuccinelli’s ruling on the state’s immigration ruling. That was quick – look at that immediate boil of your amygdala! The space in your prefrontal lobe that normally stores the data where you left your car keys is now blocked, spilling over with apneustic hyper-respiration, causing those wacky tremors that I provoke in your vagus nerve! You drooling yet? Feel your bowels twitching? Oooohhh baby!
The more you utilize my obsessive services the bigger I grow and the more securely I latch on to your stem and lobes until eventually you’ll spend every waking moment in ataxic, paralyzing shock, unable to think or write a sensible sentence without blathering the Cooch’s name! I’m awesome that way! You’re seething and booting up your laptop right now, aren’t you? What is this time? The Virginia state seal? The health care reform lawsuit? Ow! Hot! More adrenaline!
Hey wait a minute! You found another liberal blog post criticizing the Cooch and you’re typing a rambling, smug, condescending, name-calling obscenity-laced response and it’s calming you down! No fair! You’re preaching to the choir! That has the same effect on me as picturing Ernest Borgnine naked! I’m shrinking!
OK – I’m down but you know I’ll be back. Mission accomplished – for now!
