The recent very public professional self-destruction of Hearst “Odiosaurus” Helen Thomas, whose on-camera channeling of poet Ezra Pound was broadcast world-wide, marked the continuing demise of a vanishing species of media dinosaurs brought down by an omnipresent Yucatan meteor known as the internet.Thomas had the misfortune of seeing her sneering, hateful visage and World War I-era anti-Semitic proclivities televised online before bloggers shredded her osteopathic carcass in a gory feeding frenzy and left the front row center spot at the white house watering hole vacant. She is the latest casualty among a small conclave of press dinosaurs who fail to adapt to media upheavals and cling to outmoded skill sets, scouring their arid environment fruitlessly for meager nourishment while the sleeker online models metamorphose into lean, mean media machines before eating them alive.
Maureen Dowd (“Dowdydactyl”, shown comparing her breasts to the Palinocerous): Shrill, scrawny redhead bottom feeder found more commonly in the marshes behind New Jersey nail salons and lounging around the pool at Miami’s Fontainebleau Hotel, Dowd is best known for her devouring of the male species, adding the word "boy" to the end of other people's sentences and her unnatural infatuation with Alaska’s Palinocerous. While currently endangered, is fighting extinction by finally acknowledging that the microbama she had been breathlessly trumpeting as the sovereign oil-devourer his genes indicated is maybe not “hero of the habitat” after all. Plans to consume Joe McGinnis as he observes the Palinocerous at the first opportunity.
Frank Rich: “Dunder Lizard” founded the groundbreaking but short-lived Richmond Mercury in 1972 before slithering into the prehistoric ooze of the New York Times to latch barnacle-like to the Op-Ed page and help propel the once-proud bionetwork to the brink of receivership. Cashew-size brain still maintains that President truly does care for the common American worker, and that the White house hive is surrounded by liberal genius drones expelled by the dozens from the bloated abdomen of the President, who drops them when he is not in a constant state of teleprompter-led migration or kicking oil-spill thoraxes.
Larry King: The only surviving example of early crustaceous fossilization, King, or “Prepostersaurous”, is known for his ability to regenerate shriveled limbs and his uncanny abilities to mate with Jurassic females centuries younger. Recognized by his Brontosaurus-like noggin perched delicately on a reed-thin neck supported by 1982 suspenders and his throaty salacious growl of “what’s your favorite color?”, King has managed to lose relevance through regular appearances on CNN despite not scratching one word for stone tablet media. Was not expected to survive the “20-oughts”, but continues to astound Darwinists with his adaptability.
Joe Klein: “Australopatheticus” wraps his whiny diatribes in one of the more ancient outlets, lending self-prescribed credibility to the stone tablets of “Time” magazine as the resident chameleon, able to change primary colors at will then feign outrage when spotted amongst the bulrushes. Abusive and petulant, the remarkably dimwitted Klein stalks prey yet leaves gigantic footprints, dragging knuckle-prints and errant beard-growth in his path. Mitigating feature is famously sloping brow, which channels rainwater and other fallout away from his face
Cast of “60 Minutes”: Williampaleyozoic “Stahlwarts” that survive only in tightly-banded unit, emerging from burrow once every seven days (usually on a Sunday night) to share the slimelight and flail about for their own amusement. Rooneyosaurus, known for its craggy face, Trilobite-like cunning and shrill, annoying howl frequently gets distracted by minor ferns and pebbles and has to depend on burrowmates to regurgitate sustenance into his yawning, fossilized esophogas to ensure his survival.
In Suspended Animation, refusing to Decompose
Dan Rather (“Moronodon”): Lacking a vestigial brain, Rather got an evolutionary leg up by inheriting top spot on the Cronkite-based food-chain, but this coastal muckraker’s infamous skirmishes with Nixon were offset by awkward attempts at finding a legendary sign-off and a final downfall at the hands of the Bush Diatomes, who forged DNA and led the Moronodon into a blathering freefall. Shifting tectonics finally swallowed him whole, yet he lives on as a microscopic parasite, leached on to the ankles of the National Press Club asking someone named Kenneth what the frequency is.
Charlie Gibson (“Luxurosaurus “) Thin-skinned four-eyed east coast sloop-dweller born in a log cabana. Spent most of his pupae time social-climbing and consuming lesser-developed drones by candlelight before shedding silver spoon-like shell and latching on to Harvard whiffenpoofs, whose night-time howls of “Boola-boola” and constant stock-splitting could be heard all the way over at CBS.
Bob Schieffer: “Jibber-Jabberwock” hosted “Face the Nation” for eons well into the Jurassic era, surviving on errant congressmen and secreting a gaseous cloud of opaque invincibility that confounded predators that wandered into his den. Emitted a toxic substance from his pores that bored observers to death. Relegated for millions of years as second banana on network Sunday AM food chain.Dinosaurs with high nuclear-enhanced survivability ratios
Brian Williams (“Brianzilla”): The original mutant novelty of the big 3 networks. Disappeared in 1976 and was thought to be extinct well into the 1980s but was awakened by the retirement of Mechabrokaw and snagged off the coast of New York by an alert NBC vice president then put on display at the 6:30 News Hour. Very well-preserved, is able to breathe fire at certain nemeses and maintain a shred of integrity while stomping through guest cameos on SNL.
Katie Couric (“Ichthyocourica”): Perky archeozoic mouth-breather that morphed from a slug into a predator then found a prestigious evolutionary niche on dry land following the flailing demise of “Moronodon” Rather. Cashing in on favorable mutation cycles – forward-turned eye placement, multiple rows of teeth and a prehensile proboscis – this fiercely territorial marauder with minimal cranial capacity and squeaky-clean colon clings to discredited global warming theories due to oppressive Drudge-like smog and ash lingering over her environment.
Removed from the Endangered list
Charles Krauthammer (Krautylosaurus): Metro-commentating monozygot who manages to both commend and condemn both carnivores and herbivores in the same speech pattern. TV feeding frenzies preceded by mournful calls of “Stop - Krauthammer-time!” followed by energetic vocal gyrating just prior to devouring liberal commentator on his right. Lucky for him, migratory instincts led him over to Fox before land-bridge closed.
Can’t stop this.
