Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Cash Still Gushing Uncontrollably from White House Money Spill

Efforts to plug black hole with “heavy bureaucracy” fails; Bill Clinton sent in to ‘Plug the hole’ 

Six weeks after a catastrophic Federal budget meltdown began, triggering a $6 billion per day money spill from a black hole within the US Capitol building, entitlement giant FG is still casting about for at least a temporary solution to the spewing hole underneath the Capitol jacuzzi that's fouling common sense and fiscal conservatives across the nation. A relief bill that's currently being drafted, which is supposed to be a better long-term solution, won't be done for at least two months, according to the bill’s sponsor Chuck Schumer (D).

(Pictured: money spill worker cleaning up mess from under Capitol Bldg.)

FG (Federal Government) spokesman Robert Gibbs stated that an overnight response team was able to "successfully" make the first budget cut of the meltdown. However, a special pen used by lobbyists drafting the bill got stuck while making a second fine cut that's needed before a containment paragraph can be put in place.

"They are working that issue right now. The goal later today is to finish that comparatively miniscule cut and put a containment clause on top of the entire 3rd-quarter budget," Gibbs said.

The containment clause is designed to channel money up to several slush funds on the surface. FG is pursuing this option after announcing over the weekend that a procedure known as a Top Bill, which involves sending former President Bill Clinton down to plug the hole, while appearing promising at first, had failed.

“I don’t understand,” said the former President, “It was like shooting pool with a rope. I guess I’m just getting too old for this.”

If the lobbyists are unable to fix the ballpoint pen, another pen would have to be used, Gibbs said. He added that there's no question that a second and even third cut can be made, but it remains uncertain how effective the cut will be. The more effective the cuts are, the better the chances that the containment clauses will be able to capture a greater quantity of money.

The budget procedure, which has never been attempted at these amounts, could increase the flow of cash spewing into questionable parts of the US economy by 25%, at least temporarily, government officials said. Gibbs reiterated that projection, but said the increase in the spending rates would not occur until the second cut is finished.

Last week, a group of economists led by President Obama estimated that about $12,000,000 to $19,000,000 a second were spewing into such nonsensical pet programs as rural electrification, popcorn growers agricultural price controls and Snail darter preservation. An updated figure was not immediately available Wednesday.