Biden Falls into Open Manhole
On Tuesday President Obama loaded up the Presidential Winnebago with a change of suits, snacks and a carton of Pall Malls while First Lady Michelle and a dozen forklifts loaded a fleet of dump trucks with 5,000 copies of his latest novel, “Health Care Reform II: the Heretic” for personal appearances to promote the epic novel, described by critics as a ‘gothic horror comedy’.
“Let me be clear - no one is forcing anyone to buy my book right away,” said the President, squinting through belching clouds of diesel exhaust from the groaning trucks leading the motor coach down I-95 to his first stop, the Dale City, Virginia Barnes & Noble. “In fact they have until 2014 to make payments before they own it, and If they like your current book, they can keep it – I’ve been saying that all along. The price of my book will not make theirs go up one dime.”
Armed with a life-size cutout, a reinforced card table, VP Biden and 40 copies of the 3,000-page tome, Obama nearly had a “Spinal Tap Moment” while at the bookseller until wife Michelle rounded up almost 100 people, all suffering from some sort of debilitating illness, to stand in line to purchase the volume. “It’s funny – every ambulatory patient over in Stafford County Hospital wanted to come see the President and buy his book,” said assistant Bill Burton, as he fetched the President an ash tray and an ice bucket, “And it just so happens that we had a staff photographer on hand to record these sick Americans shaking hands with the President, thanking him for writing his book then buying it – unless, of course, their condition is either communicable or just plain gross.”
Some of the buyers balked at the book’s $1.5 trillion price tag. “It’s a tad steep,” one woman noted, under the sympathetic glower of the first lady and numerous armed guards, “but like the President said, as long as it pays my mortgage and puts gas in my car it will be worth it.”
Meanwhile, VP Joe Biden took it upon himself to go out to the Winnebago to fetch a box of white physician lab jackets when he accidentally fell down an open manhole in the parking lot. “Great f***ing Scott” he muttered from deep inside the open sewer, where he had to stay until the end of the signing.
Inside, the President had a ball, laughing, posing for pictures with the sick people and signing his books. “Merry Christmas, DeCarlo!” he wrote to one young man.
There was a brief moment of terror when someone dropped a quarter and Burton shouted “Shots fired!” Secret Service wrestled the President under the table until the all-clear was sounded. “Damn tea partiers!” Michelle said, “They’re behind this!” The AP reporter present scribbled furiously, angry at being pulled from Sarah Palin duty to cover the President’s book tour.
“Prezidints Book Speach Marred by Tea Party Violinse” he wrote.
After two hours of speeches extolling the book, and after selling all 40 copies, Obama packed up his card table and cutout and trudged wearily back out across the dark parking lot to the Winnebago, ignoring Bill Burton’s attempts to extract Joe Biden from the manhole.
“The country has waited 100 years for a book as good as mine,” he said as he kicked back and lit up a smoke, “And this is hard work, but I got to keep going because the competition is fierce. Right now there are these people writing a fantasy fiction piece about a Republican takeover in the House in November. And they think THAT idea sells!”
