New Year's Eve Party in Doswell: Directions here

For those attending the New Year's Eve party in the Dixie Treat Trailer Court in Doswell Dec. 31, here are pictorial directions:

Take Route 1 North about 25 miles from Richmond

Careful! Traffic may be heavy!

Turn left on Verdon Road

Let the Rock Quarry trucks pass on the inside; they have right-of-way

Be sure to obey the commands of the Verdon Road monitors (above). If they say the road is unsafe, believe them. Turn around or back out to Route 1.

Take a right on Flat Iron Road, go about 42 miles - slowly if its foggy.

Bear left when you pass the Church Bus Graveyard

Ask the Doswell Swamp Cat for directions if you get lost

You're here! Happy New Year!

Doswell Man Addicted to TV show "Hoarders"; to Appear on "Intervention"

OCD Doswell resident and amateur astronomer Malcolm Wiggins has appeared in a taped segment of the A&E reality show Intervention to address his addiction to the A&E show Hoarders.

“WE had to step in and save him,” said his daughter-in-law Martha Wiggins, “He was TIVOing episodes of Hoarders, then spending all day in the house, with the shades drawn, watching the episodes over and over.” Wiggins reportedly lost all interest in astronomy and in his job at the Doswell Rock Quarry, where he alternated running the pulverizer and stocking shelves in the Quarry gift shop.

“He watches Hoarders about 14 hours a day,” says wife Andrea, “He says his favorite episode is that one about the adult diapers, but I don’t want to know any details. I have my own hobby to deal with, I can’t be so worried about his.”

Andrea claims her hobby is taking Vicodin.

“I don’t have an addiction, I have a hobby,” stated Wiggins when confronted by this reporter about the intervention requested by his family. “A hobby is not an addiction unless you’re trying to quit, and I’m not trying to quit watching Hoarders, so it still falls under the category ‘hobby’. So screw all of you.”

There is no word yet on when the episode featuring Wiggins will be telecast.

Doswell Blogger Receives Warm, Personal Message from Senator Jim Webb

Doswell blogger Dale Brumfield recently voiced thoughtful concerns over the health care bill moving through the US senate to Senator Jim Webb. In the spirit of Christmas, Senator Webb responded, in the warmest, most personal terms possible:

"Thank you for your recent electronic mail message to my office in Washington. I am pleased that because of the Internet, more than 100,000 Virginians will send their ideas directly to me this year.

Please be assured that your views are very helpful to me and my staff. As the Senate addresses crucial economic, domestic and foreign policy issues facing our nation, we will be sure to keep your comments and ideas in mind.

I encourage you to visit my website at http://webb.senate.gov for regular updates about my activities and positions on matters that are important to Virginia and our nation.

If the subject of your communication is time sensitive, involves a personal issue relating to the federal government (such as help with a passport, claim for veterans’ benefits, or immigration) or requires more detailed attention, please visit my Assistance/Casework page located athttp://webb.senate.gov/services/assistance.cfm or contact my office directly toll free at 1-866-507-1570.

Again, thank you for contacting my office, and I hope you will communicate with me often in the future.

Sincerely,

Jim Webb
United States Senator"

Doswell Christmas Schedule finalized at the Ruritan Building Single-Purpose Room

Dec. 20, 7 PM: Dad n’ Lad Remedial Christmas Caroling – Carols sung phonetically for those who have trouble reading lyrics, especially that one carol “Good King Whatisname”

Dec. 21, 12 noon: Worship Services for shut-ins

Dec. 21, 6 PM: “Christmas Shoes” sing-along, with local quintet Corny Cosby and his Sharps and Flats. Followed by hot cider & cold donuts.

Dec. 22, 7 PM: “A Christmas Story”. Play based on the hit movie, performed by the Doswell Ruriteens. Followed by coffee and cigarettes.

Dec. 23, 4 PM: For our littlest Doswellians - Santa arrives on his ATV, pulled by Hank Wagner’s 8 tiny Pit Bulls. Candy toss has been postponed.

Dec.24, 5 PM: Santa Sky Watch: bring your binoculars and keep an eye on the skies for Santa’s sleigh. If no sleigh is spotted feel free to drink heavily, but no driving.

Dec. 26, 10 AM: Doswell Christmas Tree Smackdown: volunteers remove ornaments and tinsel from Doswell tree, cut down tree, chuck it in the dumpster.

Doswell Salesman Confident he can Sell Truckload of Tubas

Doswell Road crack salesman Desmond Figaro (left) is confident he can move a truckload of tubas he bought on a whim from a music supply warehouse in foreclosure.

“I can move some tubas!” says Figaro as he unloaded the last of the ancient, stained brass instruments from the back of his El Camino. “You know what would go great with that suit? A tuba!”

“When somebody comes in my store,” says Figaro, referring to Figaro’s Housewares of Broad Street, “One of two things is gonna happen: Either I sell you a tuba, or you sell me an excuse why you aren’t gonna buy one – and my friend, I AM the better salesman!”

Figaro says the secret to moving tubas is in the marketing. “I gotta come up with a good catch phrase,” he says, “Something catchy . . . like, ‘Cure the winter blahs, with Oomp pah pahs’. Something like that.”

Figaro says he plans to sell the tubas for only a 15% markup on what he paid for them. “I gotta move these tubas!” he exclaimed when he added in his transportation and storage costs.

“People ask me all the time: ‘How do you move a truckload of tubas?’ and I say, ‘One at a time, baby!’”

Doswell Teen an Obnoxious Plethora of Tiger Woods Jokes

“What did Tiger Woods do Saturday morning?”

“Got up early and did 9 holes!”

Doswell teen and former “Skankee Candle” joke monger Brad Ziffer has become the eminent authority on Tiger Woods jokes, much to his parent’s and friends’ disappointment and aggravation

“Listen to this one,” he said, “The investigator asked Tiger Woods if the white airbag inside the Escalade went off and hit him in the face. Tiger said, no, but the one inside the house sure did!”

Despite please from friends and family members to lay off, Ziffer continues to pummel anyone within earshot of his lame jokes. “Barack Obama says in the wake of the Tiger Woods incident, he has decided that instead of sending 30,000 troops to Afghanistan he is going to send 10,000 blond women armed with golf clubs!” he says with glee.

“What’s the difference between Tiger Woods golf ball and his Escalade?” Ziffer asked, not at all concerned with coming across as a third-rate Jay Leno, “He can safely drive the golf ball 400 yards!”

“I guess it goes to show: When driving, an iron beats a wood every time!”

Let’s stop this now.

Doswell Man Breaks the Kaine-Gate email Story

NEWSFROMDOSWELL EXCLUSIVE: Plantation Road’s Morris Brownstone has taken it upon himself to break Virginia’s news story of a lifetime: the “Kaine-Gate” emails. Apparently either computer hackers, whistleblowers or just disgruntled staffers have released almost 160 megabytes of e-mails from within the hallowed halls of both the Virginia Capitol building and the Governor’s mansion to media outlets showing that the Governor’s political ambitions beyond Virginia were deliberately altered, erased and fudged on an unprecedented level to make them less transparent than they really were.

Dubbed “Kaine-Gate”, these specious emails, dating from February, 2007 up to December 5, 2009 show a Virginia Governor conversing with ideologically similar advocates around his office, wondering out loud how in just four short years he went from a Democratic party whiz kid and short-listed VP aspirant to lame duck DNC chair with a scattered legacy due to a political party drubbing in an off-year election.

***

From: "Tim Kaine"

To: “Wayne Turnage”
Subject: Obama endorsement
Date: 5 Feb 2007

Wayne – did you see the NYT? Not counting Illinois I’m the first Gov to endorse Barack Obama! That ought to count for something – wonder if Obama noticed?

The House votes on the 3202 road bill tomorrow. Roads are going to be my legacy, right before I go to DC!

TK

***

To: “Wayne Turnage”

Subject: Talk of VP?

Date: 30 July 2008

People laughed when I endorsed Barack! Who’s laughing now? Realclearpolitics says he and I are “peas in a pod” – integral parts of the hope and change crowd. They also said I am “highly articulate”. Is there a grammar tutor in the administration? I want my diction perfect for the inauguration.

Uh oh, I just read to the bottom of the article. Says my resume is “skimpy” and that Hillary may be a more experienced pick. Biden? Not a snowball’s chance. I think it’s Kaine vs Hillary!

Kaine is Able! Make that my new tagline!!

TK

***

To: “Viola Baskerville”

Subject: geography question
Date: 13 Aug 2008

V – Does Virginia’s eastern shore go all the way to Delaware or not? I stink at grammar, now I gotta learn geography? Being a VP candidate is hard.

TK

***

To: “Wayne Turnage”
Subject: Denver driving me nuts
Date: 21 Aug 2008

WT – I can’t milk this Colorado vacation angle much longer. And I think O is avoiding me – he deliberately walked out of his way & filled his ice bucket on the floor below us. I wish he’d name the VP and be over it.

MT told me about the Planned Parenthood emails. For calling themselves “pro-choice”, those people sure do object to a license plate with the word “choose” on it. I don’t get it.

TK

***

To: “Wayne Turnage”
Subject: It’s Biden
Date: 23 Aug 2008

I know, I got the call at 11:15. O did promise me the DNC chair, which is fine. Back to being Governor.

TK

***

To: “Wayne Turnage”

Subject: Didn’t we pass a highway bill?
Date: 04 Dec 2008

Have you driven down I-295 lately? It’s like a railroad trestle! Didn’t I approve money for highways? Jeez, my whole Governorship was going to be roads. Is governorship a word?

TK

***

To: “Wayne Turnage”
Subject: Did you see it?
Date: 24 Feb 2009

TK is still on the fast track! I thought the response went great! Kaine is Able! BTW I said “Better days lie head” – should it have been “better days lay ahead”?

TK

***

To: “Gordon Hickey”
Subject: Do me a favor
Date: 15 June 2009

Will one of you please remind Biden that I am Governor of Virginia, NOT New Jersey? Strange, he acted like he didn’t know me at that DNC mixer.

TK

***

To: “Katherine Hanley”
Subject: Christmas invitation to the Obamas
Date: 03 Nov 2009

Make sure the Obamas get invited to the Commonwealth Christmas open house Dec. 5. He promised me in the hotel hallway in Denver he would come. Keep the entire capitol square grounds open, his motorcade is like 32 limos. Thanks. And send them a friendly reminder that I have not received my invitation to the State Dinner on the 25^th.

TK

***

To: “Katherine Hanley”
Subject: State Dinner Invite
Date: 18 Nov 2009

Did you request the invite to the state dinner for the Indian guy? Hasn’t come yet. Send another friendly reminder?

TK

***

To: “Marilyn Tavenner”
Subject: Re: Groundbreaking in Staunton
Date: 19 Nov 2009

Isn’t Western State Hospital where the state used to practice the eugenics? Would it be wise not to mention that at the groundbreaking?

Are the Everely Brothers from Staunton?

TK

***

To: “Wayne Turnage”
Subject: State Dinner invitation snafu
Date: 23 Nov 2009

If that invite isn’t here by 2 o’clock I’m making other arrangements. I didn’t get fitted for a tux for nothing! The Holtons must be in town – I thought I felt all the air sucked out of Richmond.

TK

***

To: “Wayne Turnage”
Subject: Forget it
Date: 23 Nov 2009

W – I left three unanswered v-mails at the White House. My invite must have fell behind a dresser again. Am I stuck celebrating the Holton’s anniversary? I’ll park the Buick if he brings up the ’72 election again.

TK

***

To: “Wayne Turnage” and “Gordon Hickey”
Subject: Speech at American Democracy confab
Date: 03 Dec 2009

How about this line: “The tea bag party is devouring itself”. Good stuff. Also, remind me if I Google “Tea-Bagging” again to make darn sure the family filter is turned “on”.

I think this speech will finally put me back right with the White House.

Will I sound stupid if I say the Republican Party is finished when every elected Democrat in Virginia was just voted out by Republicans? I mean, I’m just saying.

I think the Salahi’s were at open house last year. She wore that same TJ Maxx dress.

TK

***

To: “Wayne Turnage”
Subject: Crowded under this bus
Date: 06 Dec 2009

Not a word about the speech? My emails to the White House came back undeliverable? I can’t believe that. Not a call, or even a note? What did I do to P-O the man? And even Daddy Linwood hates me because of the tea bag line.

Looks like O dumped me the way he dumped Deeds. The view of DC is much better from inside a bus instead of from under it, especially for a Gov whose legacy now appears to be stopping smoking in restaurants. Which diner had that pie that gave me the trots? I couldn’t tell them apart after a while. Crap. I need a cigarette.

TK

***

Doswell Painter Sets Record with 100th Worker’s Comp Claim

Doswell painter and handyman Oscar Weiner filed his 100^th worker’s compensation claim this past Thursday, setting a United States’ record.

“I am humbled to file both this claim and my name with the Guinness Word Record folks to commemorate my 100^th claim with the Commonwealth of Virginia,” said Weiner through a press release. “I am indebted to my employer, Home Contracting Inc of Virginia, who keeps me employed, and to my attorney, Allan Dershowitz, LLC, who also keeps me employed with Home Contracting Inc.”

Weiner says his back and ankle should be healed in a jiffy, and he hopes to be back at work painting no later than Easter.

Fight Erupts Among Doswell 7-Eleven Shoppers over Discarded Sun Chips

Several bags of discarded Sun Chips was the source of a fisticuffs that erupted in front of a 7-Eleven dumpster around 5 PM Tuesday.

A Sun Chips delivery guy was spotted by several 7-Eleven shoppers emptying three cardboard boxes of the snacks into the dumpster. Afterwards, nine people sat in their cars, patiently waiting while the Sun Chips guy sat in his van for several minutes, eating a pudding cup, talking on his cell phone and smoking a cigarette. When he finally started his van and drove off, all 9 dove for the dumpster at the same time, making a grab for the discarded chips.

“I seen all those people waitin’ and watchin’,” said 7-Eleven clerk David Wallenski, just after the melee was broken up by a Hanover deputy. “It was like watchin’ a tornado blowin’ in – they was sittin’ in their cars and such, daring that Sun Chip guy to leave so they could go after those chips.”

And go after the chips they did. The minute the guy drove away all 9 slammed into the dumpster hatch at the same time, making a grab for the out-of-date chips, despite the fact most of the bags were floating in 2 slimy inches of liquid leachate. Eventually an argument started, which erupted into a full-blown riot inside the putrid, festering dumpster.

“I chunked a bunch of out-of-date sandwiches in there almost a month ago, & they were still there – they’re drinkable by now - but that didn’t slow down those divers,” said Wallenski as he swept up around the site of the fracas. “They were focused, man, and they weren;t gonna let a bunch of liquefied sandwiches get in the way of their Sun Chips.”

When contacted for a comment about the skirmish, the Sun Chips distributor only shook his head, noting that it’s always the same story in Doswell. “We are instituting steps to discard unsellable snack products away from the Doswell area,” said the unnamed source. “Those locals stop at nothing when it comes to a freebie.”