Doswell Entreprenour hopes his Roll-on Cologne will be a Christmas Best-Seller

North Telegraph Road resident and hopeless ne’er-do-well John Irvin hopes to finally hit the big time and be on the right side of this Christmas’s hottest must-have item: His gift set of Night Sweat – the first roll-on cologne “for today’s action man”.

“Night Sweat is a musky, feral scent that draws on man’s most basic lifestyle characteristics, including hard work, morning breath, frantic exercise and nervous anxiety,” says Irvin. “The man who wears Night Sweat is a man who takes chances in life; who works 20-hour days at his blue collar job, bathes infrequently, drinks a lot of inexpensive bourbon and possibly even smokes cheap, flavored cigars.”

“The Night Sweat man is single, lives alone, worries a lot about money and lives in constant fear of an ex-wife, family history, certified mail and a federal audit. The Night Sweat man has suspicious moles, blood-tinged urine, odd aches and pains and irregular bowel movements. The Night Sweat man eats fast food, undercooked red meat, too much soda and a lot of beer.”

Irvin says Night Sweat will be available in all fine retailers by December 15, including Dollar Tree, Roses, Dollar General, Factory Outlet, Big Lots and N&W Salvage in Sandston.

Doswell Teen Regrets Posed Picture; Parking Lot Beatings to Commence After Thanksgiving, Says Bully

Patrick Henry High School bully and 3rd-string linebacker “Moose” Jenkins says parking lot beatings of Doswell 10th-grader Graham Stettinus will begin after school resumes following the Thanksgiving break after this photograph of him (left) surfaced in a brochure for a company called “Lavender and Lace”, a Richmond-based retailer of fine products for the home.

“That was a paying modeling gig,” explains Stettinus, eager to distance himself from the incriminating photograph. “I only did what that photographer said, I swear, somebody tell Moose not to kill me, please.”

With the photo circulating around school it’s getting harder for Stettinus to explain it away, says sources familiar with the bullying practices of the bulky yet dim-witted 20-year-old part-time linebacker, who seizes opportunities such as this to foist his alpha-male proclivities on those with less testosterone then he. “Moose doesn’t particularly care why the picture was taken, just that it is there,” says a trembling and anonymous enabler. “It gives him an excuse to be standing at your car after the last bell rings and before band practice starts.”

Sources report that Moose has scheduled parking lot beatings in the past, and vigorously adhered to his pre-planned schedule, regardless of school functions. “We’ve seen nervous freshmen, tuba players, chess club members and French class students on the receiving end of Moose’s version of trailer court justice” claims the source. “Once he single-handedly took down the Square-Rooters, our first math club pep squad. They disbanded after that. Moose is nothing if not thorough in his ass-whippings – we even had to postpone a school pep rally for 10 minutes until he finished with a kid in glee club.”

Exact dates for Stettinus’ beatings are pending until Moose verifies them with his day-timer, a wadded-up binder written in crayon. “I’d enjoy to” he replied when asked about the schedule.

Doswell Man First to Receive Health Care Ration Stamp Book

(Double-click the above slideshow to see the entire booklet)

I got a stamp for that!®

Verdon Road resident Fred Wallace was the first person in Doswell to receive the Federal Government’s Health Care Ration Stamp booklet, making him eligible for literally a dozen medical procedures.

“I sent my request in early,” claims the elated Wallace, who reports he is going to use a “Groin Health” stamp first under the “Men’s gender specific” section. “I got trouble peeing – I get up 6 or 8 times at night, and every time I dribble all the way back to bed. But bingo! Problem solved! I got a stamp for that!”

And unknowingly, Wallace hit upon the Bureau of Health Administration’s PR logo. “Our trademark was the result of many years’ work by over a 100 federal commissions and agencies.” Says a BHA spokeswoman, “I got a stamp for that! ® reassures the American people that their medical needs are our top priority, with no regard to cost. That is our pledge, especially to Mr. Wallace and all the fine folks of Doswell, Virginia.”

The BHA also is quick to dispel any negative connotations with the ration books in regards to similar books printed during World War II. “Oh please – these are nothing like the ration stamps of the 1940s!” claims the same anonymous spokeswoman. “The US was at war during World War II – unlike today, where we are just taking positive steps to ensure every single person gets the medical care they are allotted due to the shortages created by the Health Care Act of 2009. That argument is laughable!”

The BHA claims all eligible citizens of Doswell will receive their ration stamp books as soon as they fill in form BHA-US-27Z/06 and provide at least 63 months of receipts from their current health care provider, proof of uninsurability, three years of federal tax forms and their birthdate.

Click HERE to see the entire booklet if you cannot see the above slideshow.

Body found near Doswell Claims it’s not Dead

A body found by hunters in the Old Ridge Road area near the Little River claims it is not dead, according to Hanover County Assistant Coroner Merv Guilford.

“He told me when they brought him in that he wasn’t dead” claims Guilford, who was all set to perform the autopsy but stopped when the body started yelling at him and thrashing around on the table apparently to prove his point (Left). “I can’t very well cut a body up when it’s moving around so much, so I postponed the autopsy until I get a ruling from the Coroner, Fred Wingo, and he’s on vacation until after Thanksgiving.”

EMTs who brought in the body also reported that it claimed over and over in the ambulance that it wasn’t dead, and the hunters who discovered it repeated the same story, even saying that the body was up walking around at the time of its discovery. “I seen him first, down in the woods,” says Blanton Road resident Herman Teagarden. “I told the other fellas that I seen a dead body, and that’s when Rocko called 911 and got the ambulance guys down here to pick it up. My daddy said he hoped I never had to see a dead man, but now I have.”

The autopsy will be performed upon Wingo’s return, despite heated objections from the body itself, who has to remain in the Hanover County coroner’s body storage until November 30. Guilford is leaving the door unlocked so the body’s spouse can bring it Thanksgiving.

Doswell Couple Enjoy Saturday at the Lake

Old Ridge Road gastronome and walking health hazard Eric Waldbauer and his wife Wanda enjoyed a pleasant afternoon this past Saturday on the warm side of Lake Anna after enjoying a picnic lunch of 21 pieces of Food Lion day-old chicken.

“This is the life” admitted Waldbauer, as he ground out one filterless Chesterfield and lit another one, sitting back in his john boat as Wanda struggled to row his cement-like lard ass through the water back to shore. “Being on the lake always makes me forget about my trials and tribulations, but also my dialysis, my fistula, my various bags that Wanda has to empty all the time, and especially my upcoming exploratory surgery.”

Waldbauer says he hopes the government health care bill passes so he can get off the free state health insurance and disability he currently enjoys and get on a higher-class federal program. “I hear the government health insurance will pay for your cigarettes – that’s great news, cause these babies cost me a fortune.”

Waldbauer suddenly stopped talking and smacked himself in the chest. “Hey honey, my heart stopped again,” he said in a breathy voice, his face turning scarlet. “Did you bring the paddles?”

Leon the Doswell Stock Boy injured when Break-Dancing for Nickels in front of the Stop n’ Go

Loveable boob Leon the Stop n’ Go stock boy yanked something serious in his left gluteus this past Wednesday while he performed his patented “Break down with Leon” move for spare change in the parking lot, just a dozen feet north of the notorious Doswell fart cloud.

Witnesses attest that Leon recovered from the head spin only to painfully wrench his back left when his torso went right, causing an audible snap from the seat of his pants just under his wallet. Clapping patrons say they thought his twisting and twitching just after that was part of the act, and no one lifted a finger to assist him when he crashed to the pavement, spilling his John Deere cap full of change.

“I am afraid to report that this week’s ‘Break down with Leon’ feature has been postponed” claims Ramud Dumar, the palindrome-named owner of the Stop n’ Go and Leon’s employer. “Let’s all hope for government health insurance soon so Leon can get the medical care he so desperately needs during this trying time.”

Currently Leon has been admitted to the Patient First on Woodman Road in Richmond’s north side, where he shares a couch with an octogenarian swine flu sufferer and a gunshot victim. “They’re talking of releasing me soon,” he claims, raising his voice over the gagging barks of the swine flu guy. “It’s crowded on this couch, and the gunshot guy won’t stop bleeding.”

“Break down with Leon” may resume within a week after Leon’s release from Patient First.

Doswell Middleman Sick of being Cut Out, Looking Forward to Starting New Job in Air Park

Stating that he is sick and tired of the bad-mouthing that accompanies his profession, Independence Road resident and Professional Middleman Greg Warfield claims that since business is so bad and his reputation has been so impugned he is taking drastic action to restore his profession’s good name and more importantly, earn an income.

“Yep, I’m going to work in the air park!” he said as he hooked his thumbs in his suspenders and rocked back and forth on his heels. “Goin’ to the old air park!”

Warfield claims middlemen such as himself have taken an especially brutal beating in this economy. “But now I’ll be getting’ up early and driving to the air park!” he says, for what seems like the fifteenth time. In fact, he even sang a song he made up about working in the air park, to the tune of “Working in a coal mine”:

Workin’ in the air park,
Work until it gets dark,
Workin’ in the air park,
Look! I got a place to park!

5 O’clock in the morning,
I cruise to the Stop n’ Go,
Buy a greasy egg sandwich,
With a clump of bacon – to go!

Cause I’m
Workin’ in the air park,
Work until I make my mark,
Workin’ in the air park,
Look! I got a place to park!

Numerous attempts were made to ascertain just exactly what Warfield would be doing in the air park, to no avail. Numerous attempts were also made to get him to stop singing that moronic song.

Doswell Father of 5 Teenage Boys Thrilled at Finding Forgotten Pop-Tart in back of Pantry

Verdon Road resident and father of five giant eating machines Ward Maxwell had an unexpected thrill last Saturday when he discovered a lone Pop-Tart hidden behind some bags of pasta in the back of their pantry.

“It was uncanny,” claimed the somewhat impoverished dad, “I was cleaning out several empty cereal boxes when I dropped some sacks of Costco white rice and macaroni. Behind the bags I saw an old Pop-Tart box. I picked it up to throw it away and noticed something was inside – I looked and surprise! There was a Pop-Tart!”

Maxwell says the half-life of a box of Pop-Tarts is measured in minutes once they pass through the front door. “In this house things like Pop-tarts, donuts, Doritos and Little Debbies last no time at all – once the kids get wind of food like that it’s like a shark frenzy. Once I saw my son Moose eat 3 Moon Pies without unwrapping them. Another time my twins roared through half a box of the dog’s Gaines Burgers before they realized they weren’t Little Debbies.

Maxwell said that even though the Pop-Tart was a month out of date and a less than desirable flavor (coconut fudge) he savored it anyway after heating it lightly in the family toaster. “It’s been years since I enjoyed a Pop-Tart as much as I enjoyed this one” he said, glad to deny his kids Moose (19), Lardo (17), twins Brick & Tank (16) and Lurch (14) the pleasure of the revered toaster pastry and eating it outside so none of them could hear or smell it.

McDonald’s Drive-Thru Employee Uses Doswell Man’s Debit Card to Clean Under her Dagger-Like Thumbnail

Doswell Blogger Dale Brumfield stopped at the local McDonald’s drive-thru window to get a large coffee Thursday morning and was appalled to see the drive-thru employee use his debit card to scrape underneath her talon thumbnail while waiting for the card to process.

“I almost heaved,” said Brumfield as he accepted the “tainted” card back and wiped it down vigorously with an alcohol swab he found in a glovebox first-aid kit. “Thank God I only ordered coffee – if I got food I would have had to throw it away.”

Brumfield says that this McDonald’s has a history of questionable practices, the previous “here go your drank” episode notwithstanding. “Why I keep coming back, I don’t know. Once I saw an employee drop a bunch of cups then put them back on the stack. Another time I watched a cashier handle a bunch of money then re-arrange the chocolate chip cookies without washing.”

“I think maybe I like living on the wild side, you know, staring down botulism in the face and laughing as I dodge it once again.” Brumfield claimed as he rooted around under the seat until he found an old, curdled coffee creamer and dumped it into his coffee. “But you would think common courtesy would dictate . . . oh look, a fuzzy Milk Dud!”

At Doswell Speakers Consortium, George Bush Claims he Left White House in “Disarray”

Former President George W. Bush spoke at the 2^nd bimonthly installment of the Doswell speaker’s consortium Sunday night and admitted to leaving the White House in disarray at his exit.

“I am not proud of some of the things I did,” Bush said just after a dinner of that delicious spaghetti prepared by the Doswell “Ruriteens”. “I acted in ways that were not presidential, and I regret those actions.”

For example, the former President admitted his last day at the white house he emptied all the salt shakers and filled them with white milk. “You don’t notice until you go to shake them, then your food has been ruined by the milk.” He said. He also said he loosened the pepper shaker caps so they would dump all the pepper out. He also collected his toenail clippings for a year, then sprinkled them all over the white house, including in the carpet and in his bed. “If you’ve ever slept in a bed crawling with toenail clippings you know it is a horrible thing to have to endure.” He said.

Bush said he was especially ashamed of the practical joke he played on the Obamas in the bathrooms. “I lifted the toilet seats and wrapped Saran Wrap across the toilet bowls, then put the seats and lids back down” he claims. “In dim light it especially hard to see, and the results of this joke can be appalling.” Bush said the one bathroom he did not Saran Wrap was in the Lincoln bedroom. “I super-glued the seat and lid to the bowl,” he said, “I hear Barack broke a fingernail on that one.”

Other pranks played by the ex-President on the Obamas include discreetly wrapping a rubber band around the spray nozzle at the kitchen sink, shutting off the hot water heater and loosening all the light bulbs just enough so they flicker or don’t light at all.

“I left a legacy of goofball behavior of which I am most ashamed,” the now-retired Bush claimed, adding that he hopes the Obamas forgives him those lapses in judgment. “and I hope they discovered the Saran Wrap before it was too late.”

Doswell Account Rep & Wife Arrested in Tijuana, Mexico and Charged with Dissolving Boss

Former Teman Road resident Paul Holdfield and his wife, Babs, are being extradited back to Doswell following their arrest in Tijuana, Mexico and charged with poisoning his boss, Mr. McAdams with a strychnine-laced lemon popover and dissolving his body in a sulphuric acid bath in their home, which was set on fire following the murder.

Holdfield and his wife were caught by Mexican authorities as they imported scientific equipment into the Mexican desert that was being used to build a massive solar reflector, whose purpose is not entirely clear but is presumed by experts to bounce sunlight onto a major west coast city, setting a major conflagration.

McAdam’s former partner, Harold T. Farnsworth, reported McAdams missing three days after McAdams meal with the Holdfield’s. He expressed surprise over Holdfield’s involvement in his partner’s murder and his newly-discovered role as an evil genius. “Paul was a straight shooter, a real upright guy,” he says, “He just landed the Henderson account, so he had no reason to be upset or despondent over anything, so it’s more th . . .”

Farnsworth’s sentence was cut short just as his car suddenly exploded in a deafening fireball, showering the parking lot of McAdam and Farnsworth with flaming debris. At that exact moment, while riding shackled on the back of a Mexican armored car almost 2,500 miles away, Paul Holdfield looked at his watch and smiled.