Doswell Man says Va. Beach Insurance Seminar a Mild Success

A 4-day insurance seminar held at the La Quinta Conference Center in Virginia Beach was considered a modest success by most of the attendees, including Teman Road resident Wally Almarode (Left), who remarked that he had not intently studied so many inconsequential insurance-related bullet points in his 14-year career with Almarode & sons benefits brokerage.

“I almost forgot there was a sunny sandy beach outside these walls,” he said, pointing toward the beach beyond the blank wall in conference room 8-D as the Hotel staff broke down the Powerpoint projection system and set up an easel with a fresh 18x36 newsprint pad and both a green and red pen for the next speaker. “because I was so engrossed in our last speaker’s extremely thorough explanations in changes to adverse selection requirements for the 2010 plan year.”

“After break we discussed ethics considerations with viatical settlements,” said Almarode as he prepared his La Quinta Inn pen and notepad, squaring them perfectly with the formica desktop. “Then later on the last night, but not too late, watch out Virginia Beach! The sleeves rolled up, the dress shoes get loosened and these Insurance adjustors and brokers hit the town!”

Almarode claims that many of the conference attendees “let their comb-overs down” as they walked Atlantic Avenue in search of fun and frivolity after a brain-numbing final day of adjustments and statistics. “Last year our conference was at the Radisson in Cleveland, Ohio, and a bunch of us went to a wax museum after imbibing on several Coors lights at the cash-only after-class reception at the Tally Ho Lounge. Well, Bob – who’s the zaniest MetLife actuary you ever met – stepped over the velvet ropes when the guard wasn’t looking and did some comical and suggestive poses with the wax figures. It was a hoot! Janice with TransAmerica never stopped laughing. I didn’t get back to my room until after 10. It was crazy, I tell ya! Cleveland has never been the same since!”

But both Almarode and other attendees admit there wasn’t much time for craziness this time around. “They had us in classes from 7:30 until 5, and then a working dinner in the atrium cafeteria until 7, then there was a program called ‘Account Transfers and reinstatements After Hours” until 9. Virginia Beach had to get along without the hedonism of over 200 L&H and P&C brokers before 9, but from 9 until 10 – anything went! MetLife Bob bought a t-shirt that had a drawing of Michael Jackson and Barack Obama looking at each other, with a heavenly Martin Luther King looking down at them. It said 'MJ & PBO & MLK forever'. He said it was for a friend. Then it was back to the motel to relax with a bucket of free ice, a cold soda from the vending nook and a rerun of Seinfeld before hitting the hay.”

Doswell Man Intentionally Blocks Hampton-Roads Tunnel in Desperate Bid to be on Tunnel Traffic Radio

His whole life, needy Doswell resident Mark Zembower wanted to be on the radio, and when he was traveling to Norfolk, Virginia on I-64 to find the one dentist that accepted his insurance he got an idea. Once inside the Hampton-Roads tunnel – a tunnel already notorious for frequent traffic jams – Zembower simply drifted to a stop, turned on his blinkers and tuned his radio to 610 AM, the tunnel traffic station.

(pictured: traffic jam caused by Zembower)

“I knew if I sat there long enough I would get some attention from that computer-generated voice,” said Zembower as he sat in the eerie orange light of the approximately ½-mile tunnel that connects the Hampton peninsula with the Tidewater region of Virginia. “I’ve always wanted to be mentioned on the radio.”

Sure enough, within 5 minutes a massive traffic tie-up occurred, with angry cars trying to get around the stopped Zembower in the no-passing lane of the eastbound tunnel. Cars skidded and honked furiously, but Zembower held his ground. Finally after about 10 minutes he heard the radio traffic report he was looking for: “The following driving conditions may impact your travel,” said the spooky male voice on 610 AM, license JG 6105, “Eastbound lanes of I-64 in the Hampton-Roads bridge-tunnel are backed up to Mallory Street due to a disabled vehicle in the eastbound tunnel . . .”

And with that, Zembower smiled, started his car and drove on to his turban-wearing dentist in the disinfectant-smelling industrial office building in the worst part of Norfolk.

Doswell Woman’s Ukrops Valued Customer Card Again a Disappointment

Bullfield Road resident Lisa Daugherty swiped her valued customer card yesterday in the Ashland Ukrops after a particularly large purchase and was disappointed to see she netted a total savings of 80 cents off a $265 purchase.

“This is yet another in a long line of disappointing savings from this supposed valued customer card,” says Daugherty, waving the almost worthless plastic card while standing in the parking lot in the sweltering 100-degree heat while the Ukrops guy who looked just like Robert Goulet packed her purchases into the trunk of her Saturn. “I wouldn’t mind toting my own groceries to my car if I could trade off some more substantial savings inside.”

But little does Daugherty realize her Ukrops card is not about savings at all, but about the grocery giant accessing her personal medical records, mortgage information, credit history and a dozen other databases with a simple swipe, at least according to the bearded guy pushing a Wal-Mart cart full of aluminum cans behind the Swank Shop.

“Why do you think Ukrops pushes those cards on everybody?” he raved, “To get in our heads, man – inside our brains! Look at my knees!” he suddenly switched gears, duck-walking in a circle around his can cart, “Look at my knees!”

During the duck walk demonstration a white pickup truck turned the corner and the driver told the man a fire had broken out in the alley behind Arby’s. When the man ran off, the man in the truck dumped the cart full of cans into the bed of his truck. As he got back in he turned and said “Gas leak in Doswell asbestos factory ‘not serious’, say survivors.”

Wait - this wasn’t a story, it was a stupid dream.

Doswell Man is only 306 Points Away from a Free Coffee with Exxon Pit Pass

North Telegraph Road resident Morris Waldman swiped his pit pass at the Doswell Exxon when paying for an out-of-date turkey and cheese sandwich and he was pleasantly surprised to see he only needed another 306 points to get a free coffee.

“I was on my way to dropping off a load of dry cleaning at the Goodwill,” says Waldman, whose dry-cleaning exploits were covered in a previous post. “I stopped to see if they had any discount sandwiches, and on a whim, I swiped my pit pass. Ka-ching! Morris wins again!

Waldman says he is going to stop by the Exxon numerous times in the next month, purchasing Pop-Tarts, Jolt energy drinks, Cat Diesel caps, road maps, tube socks, newspapers, ice, Power bars and even gas to accrue the needed number of points. “Then Morris Waldman is going to cash in big time on coffee! Ka-ching! Morris is on top!”

Couldn’t Be Done, My Butt: Doswell Blogger Drives Car in Reverse from Enfield to Roanoke Rapids, NC, Take Bus Rest of Way Home

Doswell blogger Dale Brumfield once again proved the naysayers wrong by turning the car around and driving in reverse up Route 301 from Enfield to Roanoke Rapids, North Carolina when returning from Hilton Head this past Saturday.

“I don’t recall exactly how that bet came up,” says Brumfield, his neck aching from looking out the rear window the entire 21 miles as he stood in front of the Cracker Barrel just off Route 158 in Roanoke Rapids, “But one of the kids commented that I couldn’t even back the car out of the driveway. One argument led to another, and before you could say ‘diminished capacity’ I was turned around and beating it down Route 301 at around 30 MPH backward. You should have seen the looks on their faces!”

“I have a whole new respect for dad’s driving abilities,” says shaken son Hunter as he sat on the curb, trying to keep from vomiting. “I thought we bought it in this town called Halifax – Dad swerved sharply and I heard lots of car horns going through a triple intersection. He tried to laugh it off, but I could see giants sweat beads on his upper lip.”

Brumfield recalled the incident in question with a shudder. “I had trouble seeing the stoplight. OK, I didn’t even know there was a stoplight, or a train crossing. I hope that guy in the Toyota pickup is all right.”

Daughter Hollis was more direct with her assessment of her dad’s driving stunt. “Dad’s an idiot.” She said bluntly. “I’m watching him – first sign of drool he is so admitted to the nursing home. I’ve never been so terrified in my life.”

Comatose son Jake and wife Susan refused to get out of the car and comment on the episode. “They’ll be all right,” Brumfield said as he pecked on the window, trying to get Susan to unlock the car and let him back in. “It’s common after a refreshing experience like that to be, I don’t know, a little introspective.”

But the trick was ultimately on Brumfield, as he came out of the Cracker Barrel bathroom and saw his family was gone, with a note taped on the parking meter. “It’s only a 4-hour ride to Richmond from here.” He said as he stood in line at the ticket window at the closest Greyhound station, a good 7-mile walk from the Cracker Barrel. “I’ve always enjoyed a good bus ride. Looks like I missed the 12:15 – the next bus leaves at 10:10, and gets me into Richmond at 2:25 am. Well, looks like I got about 9 hours to kill! Can I borrow $43 for the ticket? My wallet’s in the car.”

Doswell Man’s Rancid Breath a Death-Like Decomposition of Tuna Fish, Bad Colon and Spoiled Dairy Products

Pine Level resident Michael Clements’ rancid breath can clean an oven, according to neighbors. “He’s always had horrifying breath,” claims neighbor Wallace Totten, speaking of the malodorous Doswell resident. “He stands too close and he breathes heavy when he talks, so you can’t help but be bombarded by stale, hot gusts of distinct putrified tuna fish and bubbling bad milk stenches.”

Other neighbors and acquaintances report similar, shuddering sentiments, some even claiming they can smell his breath when he drives by in his car. “His rotten breath actually seeps through his pores when his mouth is closed.” Says Totten’s wife Gert. “There’s always this humid and lethal miasma surrounding him, choking off other life forms. It’s quite remarkable, actually.”

“We walk by his house and we can smell his toxic breath, even when he’s inside. I hear it has a half-life literally of years, and the wind doesn’t disperse it – it just spreads it around. He’s a human hurricane, category 11 and gaining strength.”

Efforts by acquaintances to convince Clements to use breath mints and mouthwash are unsuccessful. “Offering that man an Altoid is like dribbling a spoonful of Voban powder on a vomit puddle the size of South Carolina,” claims Gert, who added that it is not uncommon for firefighters to receive complaints of gas leaks or toxic waste spills when Clements is in the vicinity. “He cleared the Ashland Strawberry Festival in 2007,” says Wallace, “he was laughing at a performing Chihuahua and word seeped through the crowd of either an overturned tanker full of raw, festering sewage on Route 1 or a pentoborane spill of some sort. The crowd panicked and stampeded, and the poor Chihuahua, well . . .”

Rumors of Clements’ breath having its own material safety data sheet (MSDS) are unfounded for now. “It would help to know how to combat a stink of that breathtaking magnitude,” says Hanover Fire Chief Russell McAllister. “I went into a Porta-John right after Mr. Clements at the Festival and his lingering breath actually overpowered the toilet odors. My eyes burned when I left. He’s a walking Chernobyl.”

Doswell Blogger Vacationing in Hilton Head, SC

Low Tide? High Tide? Sunny? Warm? None of that matters if “Mama’s Family” is on!

Doswell blogger Dale Brumfield arrived in Hilton Head Island Saturday night only to discover a “Mama’s Family” marathon was on TV, canceling his plans with his family all day Sunday through Tuesday.

“I’m sorry, but if “Mama’s Family” is on all bets are off,” stated Dale as he pulled the drapes to darken the room and turned up the volume as his family bicycled down to the beach to enjoy the hot, breezy weather, the soft sandy beach and warm ocean.

“I’m a big fan of the Ken Berry episodes,” Dale stated as he cracked open a Piggly Wiggly-brand knock-off of Dr. Pepper, “and that Vicki Lawrence is a hoot. I never get tired of her screeching at Dorothy Lyman!”

“Here’s a trivia question,” said Brumfield as he adjusted the volume to an unsettling level, “Who played Thelma Harper’s husband Carl? Give up? I’ll tell you in a minute.”

After an extended bathroom break Brumfield returned to the $1,200-per-week villa couch and settled in. “Give up? Nobody played Carl – he was never seen!”

Later on Sunday the family returned from the beach and Brumfield was immersed in episode #12, “Positive thinking”, which originally aired April 30, 1983. “From midnight to noon they are showing the 1984 episodes, so the wife is going to run out and get me some Java Monster drinks to keep me going.”

When the “Mama’s Family” marathon ends Tuesday night, will Brumfield start to enjoy vacation with his family? “I will at least until a “Saved by the Bell: the College Years” marathon begins Thursday night.”

Creepy Verizon Guy Arrested in Doswell for Stalking

An idle complaint to Verizon from Flat Iron Road resident Wanda Obenschain that her cell service “sucked” resulted in a living nightmare for her and her family, culminating in the eventual arrest of the Verizon guy for hanging around outside her house.

Obenschain claims that since her call to the cell service provider the odd, geeky mascot hung around her house, “night and day”, like an unpleasant leprechaun until she eventually was forced to call Hanover deputies, who arrested the bespectacled stalker without incident.

“Whenever I made eye contact with him, he would give me a thumbs up and say ‘you’re good’ in this spooky voice.” She claimed, adding that the episode was particularly frightening when she saw him in the yard in the dark during a violent thunderstorm. “He was just standing out there by the wood’s edge, and I could only see him when he was illuminated by lightning, still smiling that creepy smile and giving me a thumbs up. It was horrifying.”

Hanover Deputy Harold Waller states that the man was “compliant” when handcuffed and offered no explanation as to why he sought attention from the Obenschain household, only that he was “doing his job”.

This guy has a rap sheet as long as my arm,” stated Waller after the culprit was safely seated in the back seat of his county squad car. “He has been arrested several times and charged with trespassing, peeping Tom, unlawful entry, voyeurism, stalking, obstruction of traffic, jaywalking and several others. Yep, his is a familiar face to law enforcement.”

Obenschain is relieved that her nightmare seems to be over for now. “I do fear another judge will just let him go, saying he’s just a logo or mascot or something. But nobody else has service in Doswell. Who will stop this madness?”

Doswell Man Leaving Work Early to Help Wife With Dinner for Boss

Pleasant Level Drive resident Paul Holdfield was confronted by his boss Mr. MacAdam at 4:15 this afternoon as Holdfield was trying to discreetly leave.

“Leaving a little early, aren’t we Holdfield?” Mr. MacAdam asked in an accusatory tone when confronting the already nervous sales executive.

“I thought I’d go home and help Pauline with dinner,” Holdfield replied, “We’ll be expecting you and Mrs. MacAdam at seven.”

“OK, Holdfield, but I need those sales reports on my desk by 8 AM!” Mr. MacAdam boomed, wagging his finger in Holdfield’s face.

As Holdfield left the office park he said, “I’m going to personally put strychnine in that bowtie-wearing bastard’s tuna noodle casserole, then gleefully watch him twitch and twist like a Japanese beetle in a bucket of Kerosene before I bury him and his orange-haired shrew of a wife in the landfill.”

Doswell Ex-CEO Applying Total Business Solutions Theory to Selling Tube Socks at Flea Market

John Binghamton, Plantation Road resident and CEO of the recently bankrupt Richmond-based MegaTech LLC, rises at 4:30 AM every Thursday through Sunday to drive to the Ladysmith Flea market, hoping his prudent fiscal brand solution theories translate into thriving tube sock sales.

“Sine we closed the consulting firm in June, I pondered several ways to apply my experiences with synergistic cross-platforms initiating leveraged technological peer patterns with man-made deliverables.” He says with alarming casualness. “Tube sock sales are an evolving mercantile paradigm, therefore they offered the perfect project/object service vision.”

Binghamton spends hours developing spreadsheets, business plans and reports to support his “integrated implementation of tube-like over-the-calf, heel-less cotton foot coverings” justifying his booth rental to his wife. “Madge told me to get away from the computer and ‘just get in there and sell the damn socks’, but hers is a plebian attitude that’s overly simplistic in its priorities. She fails to understand the background front-end architecture that drives tube sock macroeconomics.”

How are his theories working? “Regretfully, sales deficiencies seem to be based on short-sighted operational dictums that do not advocate cross-promotional returns. I am spending the next week developing a multi-tab spreadsheet to analyze these retail deficits.”

Ultimately, since tube sock (left) sales were so minimal, Madge changed the locks on the house and left legal papers in the mailbox for the mush-mouthed marketing “genius”. “Madge failed to be codified in scope of my implementive processes,” he whines as he heats a hot dog under a hand dryer in a truck stop bathroom, “so currently I am between wives and living in my car.”

Doswell Woman gets Tonsil Removal Reversed

Stating that her 1997 procedure was “a mistake”, Blanton Road resident Alice Beasley got her tonsil removal reversed at Regional Memorial Medical Center.

The donor tonsils came from a 7-year-old female brought in by her parents recently on an unrelated minor medical condition. Once the consent form was signed, the tonsils were removed and placed in Ms. Beasley without incident.

“I feel whole again,” stated an elated Beasley after the procedure, noting that she now looks forward to a lifetime of more unnecessary, pointless and painful surgeries, including an ear switch, a mirror-image lip shift, an umbilical cord reconnection, an anus flip, a mole transplant, a non-chemical scalp shred, a taste bud deadening, a permanent sunglasses implant, a reverse graduated toe reposition on both feet, a vertical orbital eye socket reset, permanent temporary tattoos, an Isle of Langerhans exterior displacement, a kidney shuffle, a tongue forking, an epiglottis extension, a lance boiling, an optic nerve scraping, a breast inversion and having that second head removed from the middle of her back.

Oh, and also foot fat pad augmentation, a lower octave voice restringing, nose hair implants, her pores swept, a sweat gland purification, a bowel inflation, a tooth softening, a carcinoma white-out, a permanent skin tag sweep n’ clip, Leech applications, sinus cleansing and something called a butt crack spackling.

At Disneyworld Front Gate, Doswell Father of Five Realizes he Left Tickets in Other Pants . . . Back Home

For Ralph Walters Jr. (Left, at arrow) it was a lightning-like jolt of horrific surprise, followed by a lingering greasy, stroke-like sick realization when while standing at the front gate of the Magic Kingdom in Orlando it dawned on him that he left the entire family’s Disney World tickets in his other pants back home in Doswell.

Walters claims he “froze in horror” when he realized they drove for three days, booked into the French Quarter Hotel and took the shuttle to the front stoop of the happiest place on earth with no tickets. His 5 kids, ranging in age from 2 to 13, and his wife Margaret stood anxiously, grinning in gleeful anticipation as Ralph patted his pockets, his intestines slowly being pulled from his rectum with red-hot tongs and wrapped slowly around a thorny stick.

“I was dying a slow agonizing death, right there in front of my kids, who were literally hopping up and down with excitement.” Explains Ralph, who said that he both vomited in his mouth and soiled his boxers as he thought of how to explain to his family that the paradise beckoning on the other side of the turnstile was out of reach without the 5-day park-hoppers that lay uselessly in a pair of blue Dockers on the foot of his bed back on Level Drive. “Disneyworld was all they talked about for months.”

How did this happen? “The morning we left I put the tickets in my pocket for safekeeping,” Ralph explains, “but our youngest was so excited she threw up on my pants. I ran upstairs to change, and in all the turmoil forgot to transfer the tickets to my new pants. As God is my witness, I never thought once of those tickets all the way here.”

Ralph said he told his family to wait while he quietly explained his problem to the front gate attendant. “He told me he was sorry, but there was no way he could trace the tickets, because they are scanned and matched when people enter the park, both for security reasons and to stop counterfeits. He said he would be happy to sell me replacement tickets – totaling $3,546.00. I had about $200 cash with me, and a Discover card with about $300 left on it. That was it.”

“It was as if Goofy were repeatedly slamming his oversize steel-toe boots into my exposed testicles, crushing them like pickled eggs floating in brine, just for the pure hell of it and laughing that horrible, goofy laugh while he did it.”

Locked out of the park, and unable to buy new tickets, Ralph took a deep breath and turned to face his family.

(photo courtesy Walt Disney World, Inc., monorail "Daffy-cam")

Doswell Man not Bowing to Corporate Pressure to Donate to United Way This Year

Teman Road resident and GenTech employee Andy Rhoads is not falling for the sappy film or the browbeating guilt trip delivered by the UW company rep for the annual United way kickoff this year.

“They can strap me in and clamp my eyelids open like in Clockwork Orange, but I am not falling for that tow-headed kid with the crazy eye and the hunchback who looks into the camera with his one good eye and says ‘thank you for your contributions to United Way!’ No way, no how.”

Rhoads says the harsh stance has less to do with the economy and more to do with the obnoxious strong-arm tactics delivered by their company-appointed United Way rep, Mr. Nash (left). “I never see this Mr. Nash anywhere any other time during the year – I don’t think he even works here,” Rhoads says, “But at the kickoff there he is, with his envelopes and his sign-up cards and the barbed wire tattoo on his upper arm and his weird hat tan-line, ready to bully me into giving up $50 a week for United Way. Well, not this year, mister. He can stand in my cubicle all day, like he did last year, but I’m not gonna cave, no sir.”

GenTech CEO Mark Fenster laughs off any insinuations that the United Way contribution program is anything other than strictly voluntary. “We don’t want anyone contributing who is uncomfortable with the process,” he explains, “we just want those electing not to participate to explain to Mr. Nash when he comes around why they are not electing to help the poor, indigent children of our community. I think at the very least Mr. Nash deserves an answer, if not their money, don’t you? Mr. Nash works very hard, and is very effective at what he does. Would you agree that this is about the children, and not about Mr. Nash?”

Mr. Nash – a large man of very few words but very many scars and a hat tan-line – seems to be welcome in every office and cubicle at the company, every year, except for Rhoads. “His attitude about United Way needs a correction.” He explains, with no elaboration before turning to walk away after staring at me for a full minute.

Even stranger than the encounter with Mr. Nash was the revelation from the Richmond United Way office that GenTech does not even participate in the United Way program. “We have no record of a program with a company called GenTech.” Says UW Spokeswoman Paula Fisher.

If there are any investigative journalists out there willing to confront Mr. Nash about this discrepancy, knock yourself out.

Avian Flu, then Swine Flu, then Mad Cow: Sickly Doswell Man a “Barnyardacopia” of Domestic Livestock-Borne Afflictions

55-year old Mt. Hope Road resident Willie Pruett “is sick of being sick” as he battles a particularly aggressive bout of Mad Cow disease after recovering from both swine and avian flus.

“I’m a medical anomaly,” he barked just before squealing in delight when his wife Peggy announced she was going to bring him his lunch. “I swear, I just can’t stop being sick,” he clucked as he sat up in bed, waiting for his food, a plate of fresh-picked greens straight from their Doswell garden.

As Willie pecked at his lunch he belched and ruminated on his condition, wondering when this particular string of afflictions would end. “This mad cow sucks,” he snorted through a mouthful of lettuce, “but at least I don’t have heaves or liver flukes. UGH!” he suddenly crowed, “this lunch is a bitter joke!”

Willie then hoisted himself up on his wobbly stork gams and goose-stepped into the kitchen, his beak pointed up, detecting oatmeal and raisin cookies in the oven. Peggy was seated at the dinette table, practicing speaking in accents for her upcoming trip to the Canary Islands. After informing her grumpily that the greens were bad, Willie sat down and continued our conversation about his health over the blasting refrain of the song “Tennessee Birdwalk” on the radio as he stomped his right foot up and down on the floor, like it was asleep.

“Good Lord!” he bleated, his voice suddenly slurred, “I think I have hoof and mouth disease!”

UPDATE to Ellwood Thompson Market Beard Story

Thanks to Newsfromdoswell’s story of August 2 regarding the clean-shaven Nate Walthington fearing he was not welcome in Ellwood Thompson’s Natural Foods Market in Richmond because he did not sport a beard, Ellwood Thompson’s Market has announced they will offer free clip-on beards and clear wire-frame glasses to any male shopper who requests them.

“We want all of our shoppers, female and male, to feel comfortable when shopping in our store.” Said a man who we presumed was named Ellwood but in actuality is named Wallace Bradley, store spokesman. “Therefore we are happy to announce that free clip-on beards will be available at the front door for any man desiring one. And while we do periodically see bearded ladies shopping in our store, we will be happy to issue females one as well.”

Bradley said the beards will be shampooed, blow-dried and brushed in between wearers to ensure hygiene safety. “It is just another of our customer service initiatives to make us the best food store in the city, so rest assured the beard you strap on will be fresh and clean – actually probably fresher and cleaner than many of the real beards you see in here. Especially that one guy.”

The beards will eventually be available in a variety of colors and styles to fit virtually any guy. "We will have the colors you expect, in the styles you demand." says Bradley

Contacted in Doswell, Walthington was happy to hear of the development, and looks forward to shopping frequently at the market. “But forget it if they start making us wear Crocs or ponchos or any other wacky clothing.”

The beards will be made by local homeschoolers out of real human hair, bonded with cyanoacrylate, and other acetone-based cements, then coated with toluene and halogenated solvents.

Doswell Man Alone for the Week While his Wife Visited Sister in Big City

Long-time Ridge Road resident Marv McKay spent the week at home alone while his wife Nellie visited her out-of-town sister.

After dropping Nellie at the dusty train station, McKay watched the airplanes take off and land at RIC, then drove back home after stopping for an ice cream cone at Dairy Queen.

“I enjoyed the cool weather,” said Marv, reminiscing of his week without the wife. “Yesterday we had some rain, but all-in-all I can’t complain.”

Most of the week was fairly uneventful, according to Marv, adding that a family named Brown did stop by to check on him. “Other than that, I did burn a hole in the dining room table – but let me see, I guess that’s about all.”

And, he was in bed each night at nine.

Nellie was relieved her simpleton husband got along OK in her absence. “He is so f***ing helpless, like a baby. I swear, I’m scared to leave him in the car by himself, much less at home. Would you believe that moron got his head stuck in the power window of our Buick? And you know that hole he burned in the dining room table? My God, it’s because he built a f***ing fire right on the table! What’s wrong with that a**hole, anyway?”

Clean-Shaven Doswell Man not sure he’s Allowed to Shop in Ellwood Thompson’s Natural Foods Store

Verdon Road resident Nate Walthington (left) drives longingly past Ellwood Thompson’s Natural Foods Market near Richmond’s Carytown almost every day, but is unsure if he would be allowed to shop there due to his beardless face and lack of little wire-frame glasses.

“I don’t know if they’ll let me in,” says the baby-faced Walthington, rubbing his slick chin. “Every man I see go in and come out of there has a grey beard. Plus, I have perfect 20/20 vision, so I don’t have little round glasses either.”

Walthington is fairly certain the beard and glasses are requisites to shopping there, as are wearing natural fibers and Crocs. “I refuse to own Crocs, and all my suits are fairly shiny,” says Walthington, literally talking himself out of even attempting to enter the store as he sits in the parking lot, staring longingly at the bearded men and unusual women enjoying Hummus, pesto and spelt sandwiches out on the front porch. “I do own a black turtleneck, so I got that going on.”

A young woman with a silver skull nose ring, a Black Flag t-shirt and dyed jet-black hair working checkout insisted that beardless men are welcome to shop there anytime. “Of course we prefer the male shopper have a beard, but it is not a prerequisite.” She said, bagging four heavy boxes of something called “Dr. Bixby’s Energizing Naturally Pulverized Suet Cakes” into a canvas sack for an older gentleman shopper (left) that – surprise – had a beard and wore Crocs.

Walthington has many times in the past attempted a beard in an effort to blend in with the hirsute clientele of the natural food purveyor, but “It doesn’t come in right – it’s dark brown and patchy. I look like a half-shaved Geico caveman.”

Walthington says in the meantime he will continue to shop at Ukrops “until either I grow a decent beard and get glasses, or until Ukrops becomes a Piggly Wiggly, whichever comes first.”

Doswell Blogger Sick of Stealing Sub-par Material from “The Onion”

Hopes Magazine starts getting funny again soon

Doswell Blogger Dale Brumfield has a vested interest in seeing that the humor magazine and website The Onion gets funny again after a relatively unfunny dry spell. “I am sick of lifting material that I feel does not live up to my high standards,” claims Brumfield, who fears page views on his own web site Newsfromdoswell is suffering as a result. “Sometimes I actually wince as I copy and paste entire passages straight from the Onion onto my blog. It’s sad.”

Brumfield says the Onion was at its peak right about the time he started his own blog. “Then it went downhill. Sometimes there’s funnier stuff elsewhere on the internet – maybe I could print those 200 lawyer jokes somebody forwarded to me last week. Some of them were kind of funny. But I’m a loyal reader of the Onion, and I cling to the hope that soon they will get funny again, and thusly so will my blog.”