In response to the “massive” increase in traffic in Doswell (like pictured at left) due to the opening of Meadow Event park (including the “fat men in plaid dresses” event this past weekend that drew so much indignation from the Dixie Treat Trailer Park), the Doswell town planner is debuting Doswell traffic advisory radio on AM 515 on your radio dial.“It’s going to be 24-hour radio traffic conditions,” says Wallace Carswell, who put up all the money for the transmitter and the license. “and I have been training my voice for days to sound just like the one on other traffic advisory stations across Virginia, including that weird guy in Hampton Roads.”
When told The “weird guy” in Hampton Roads was actually a computer-generated voice, Carswell was surprised. “No wonder he says ‘Monitor Merri-MAC bridge tunnel – and I’ve been busting my hump trying to imitate him. How about that.”
Carswell claims traffic tie-ups at many intersections in Doswell during special events, including Route 1 and Route 30, I-95 and Route 30 and at Stone Quarry Drive and Verdon Road when the gravel trucks roll out necessitate the service. “I think when Luke Dubber is driving his tractor and a hay wagon at 4 mph down Verdon people want to be able to tune in their car radio and hear about it so they can plan alternate routes.” Carswell said, trying to talk himself into the ridiculous idea he is pursuing. “for example, I would bypass Luke and go west to Hewlett, then back down Old Ridge to Route 1. Sure it adds 45 miles and an hour of driving down twisting country roads, but at least I’m not stuck behind Luke.”
Carswell said that in addition to keeping travelers away from Luke Dubber he will broadcast train traffic at the Verdon and Beaverdam railroad crossings, roadkill spottings and the location of those ridiculous flimsy bicycle riders that always show up on Doswell roads out of nowhere like a cloud of garishly-dressed mosquitoes.
“Remember, that’s 515 on your AM dial!”
