Pine Level Resident Mike Teague has come clean with the confession that he alone is responsible for scratching off strategic letters on the metal instruction plate on bathroom hand dryers all across the United States to change the meaning of the directions.
“It was me,” says Teague, holding his head in shame outside the Hanover Sheriff deputies office, where he had just been asked to leave, “I traveled a lot for my job, and I stopped in thousands of gas station bathrooms. I scraped off the directions in every one. It was a cry for help, a pathetic excuse at comedy. I was young and foolish”.
Teague in fact produced the guilty nickel he used for the crimes, worn down to Jefferson’s nose on one side. “This is my weapon of choice, my accomplice.” He said somberly. “I could scrape off the vital consonants and vowels in less than 4 seconds.”
Teague said originally the directions on the plate read “1. Push button. 2. Rub hands under warm air. 3. Stops automatically.” According to Teague when he was finished, they read (with minor variations) “1. Push butt 2. Rub hands under arm 3. Stop tom call.”
“How many men did I consign to the mistake of pushing their own butt in a sad attempt to dry their hands?” Teague cried, “How many shirts was I responsible for ruining by men wiping their soggy wet hands under their arms? How many men named Tom Call got stopped? Dear God, what have I done?”
Since the Hanover Sheriff’s department will not file charges, and we could think of like, a million better uses of his time, Teague says he plans to visit as many of the offended gas stations and rest areas as he can, starting here in Virginia. “It will be a step-by-step atonement, starting at K’s Exxon on Route 1. And I have a fine-tip Sharpie to replace the missing letters, if needed.”
He will also go through phone books and start contacting as many guys named Tom Call as he can, apologizing for any attempts made to stop them by anyone who took his directions seriously.
Good grief.
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