Rotund Doswell gastronome and slow-moving health hazard Eric Waldbauer has verified that at yesterday’s doctor’s appointment a blood test confirmed that he literally is one Dippin Dot away from losing at least a foot to diabetes.
“My body is at a crossroads, health-wise,” reported the gouty, wheezing, morbidly unhealthy Old Ridge Road resident. “It took a half-hour to draw a half-pint of my blood, because they had to force it up and out of my arm like an almost-empty toothpaste tube. Then when it was finally in the bag it separated like that delicious 1970s dessert ‘1-2-3 Jello’. Finally, before it could be tested, they had to skim the clabber.”
“While I usually do not comment on my patients’ health out of privacy concerns, I am willing to risk a HIPPAA fine in saying that Mr. Waldbauer is hands-down the unhealthiest man I have ever met.” Claims a stunned Dr. Mike Sheldrake at Doswell Family Physicians. “He is the Montgomery Burns of Doswell, with literally thousands of diseases, afflictions, infections, syndromes and disorders, all related to his lifestyle and diet, all hanging in a delicate balance, waiting for that one mutated cell or rogue virus to send his health crashing into the abyss. It is remarkable, frankly. One more strip of bacon, one more spoonful of Crisco, or a drop of lard on the tongue is all it might take.”
Waldbauer shrugs off criticism of his "balanced" lifestyle. “Nothing’s killed me yet,” he says as his wife Wanda deep-fries yet another slab of country-style pork ribs. “I’ll keep eating what I like and they’ll keep auguring out my arteries with a toilet snake.”
