Editor’s Note: In response to recent criticism that this blog caters too much to a small geographical readership, Newsfromdoswell is proud to run this commentary on a recent national news event, written by ex-magazine publisher and Ten-High Boulevard resident Eddie A. Poe
A GREAT problem is at length solved! The air, as well as the tricky science of the Biefield-Brown Effect has been subdued by the Heene family, and may become a convenient method of airborne ambulation for mankind, for traversing tricky traffic and other issues. The fields and farms of Larimer County have been actually crossed in a Balloon! And too without difficulty – without any great obvious danger – with absolutely no control of the machine – and in the inconceivably brief period of 158 minutes! By the energy of breathless cable journalists, we are enabled to be the first to furnish the public with a detailed account of this most extraordinary voyage, which was performed between Thursday, the 15th, at 11:01 P.M. and 1:34 P.M., on the same day with no known aeronauts, save for the suspected young charge of R. Heene of Fort Collins proper. The particulars furnished may be relied on as authentic and accurate in every respect, as, with a minor exception, they are copied verbatim from eyewitness accounts of the voyage.
THE BALLOON
Mr. Heene’s scheme (which was considered somewhat feasible by reputable people of science) was founded upon the principle of mylar and helium, applied and continued by the controversial Biefield-Brown theory of Electro-fluid dynamics, boosted by an electro-kinetic apparatus and transducer, The only propelling force and the mere impetus acquired from the ascent and descent of the silver disk, and this impetus carried the machine farther when the news cameras were rolling.
For our readers not conversant with the details of aerostation, an explanation is afforded. Heene’s balloon, his own design, is a flat ellipsoid. Its diameter less than 12 feet. It contained about 320 cubic feet of gas, which, if pure helium, can support 21 pounds upon its first inflation, before the gas has time to deteriorate or escape. Beneath the centre of the balloon, was a frame of light wood and plastic, and rigged on to the balloon itself with a net-work in a customary manner.
The guide-rope remedies the difficulty of ground-tether in the simplest and most indispensable manner conceivable. It is merely a very long rope which is suffered to trail from the car, and it was a failure of this guide-rope which precipitated this tumultuous escapade into the blue yonder.
The inflation was commenced very quietly at day-break, on Thursday morning, the 15th instant in the courtyard of the Heene House, and at one minute past 11, everything being ready for departure, the balloon was accidentally set free, rising gently but steadily, in a direction nearly South.
Some particulars of the ascent were communicated, however, by Mr. Heene to Mrs. Heene and two of their three children when it was claimed by one of the children in attendance that the youngest sibling, F_, breached the hull of the passenger basket and was in fact sealed inside, and Mr. Heene remanded those terms to the Emergency operator upon realization of the passenger’s status. It was nearly dead calm when the craft first alighted. It was immediately resolved by elder Heene to stop the ascension at 11:03 by informing the FAA of the inadvertent launch. The balloon ascended over the community at a rapid clip (propelled by a gentle upper-altitude zephyr, most pleasant, and admirably adapted for ascent), and the grapnel let go, which dangled uselessly. The family of the supposed interloper, and of the yard, thronged out, of course, to see the balloon; but it was with the greatest difficulty that any one could be made to credit the actual voyage – the crossing of almost 100 miles of Colorado farmland, at altitudes fathomed at 10,000 feet, more or less. Denver Airport rerouted north-bound flights as a precaution to reduce peril to the renegade craft. The device deflated partially and caught ground at county roads 59 and 2 precisely, in Larimer County; and thus the whole voyage was completed in 158 minutes. No serious injury occurred, as it was determined by Larimer County fire dispatches that the craft was empty, and no 6-year-old aeronauts present. No real danger was at that time apprehended, and the suspected stowaway was located just before supper hiding in the family’s anteroom, and never a passenger at all, despite confirmations to the contrary by a sibling. The balloon was exhausted and secured without trouble. Further intentions of the Heene were deduced but not ascertained; but we can safely promise readers additional information gleaned from dispatches deemed reliable or not.
Within minutes of landing, ulterior motives of the BALLOON-HOAX were leveled at the pseudo-scientific family. It was ascertained that a fully inflated ellipsoid of those dimensions contains not enough helium gas sufficient to lift a six-year-old at sea level and carry him at the speed commenced by the craft just after liftoff but before touchdown. Further, the tussle-haired lad’s rejoinders from news journalists drew whispers of impertinence from those critical of the balloon-story, casting doubts on the veracity of the expedition’s supposed accidental launching.
This is unquestionably the most stupendous, the most interesting, and the most puzzling undertaking ever accomplished or even attempted by men of Colorado. What magnificent events may further ensue, it would be useless now to even determine, so overwhelming of the news cycle is this BALLOON-HOAX.
