Since Senator Mark Warner claimed he “had no idea” he was scheduled to speak at the Doswell Town Hall September 1, a man claiming to be from the future was instead the keynote speaker at a contentitious September meeting of the Doswell Ruritan club, held in the Ruritan building single-purpose room.Clad in a silver jumpsuit and holding a goofy silver helmet under his left arm, the man – who said his name was “Grognak-6” – sure seemed to be from the future, judging from his choice of clothing and his loud, ultra-authoritative voice that made him sound like he was announcing the fighters in a heavyweight boxing match. He said he was from the year 2265, almost five years after time travel is perfected. According to him, people live in bubble houses, drive perfected jet-packs, and eat bars of plant-based protein, sort of a vegetarian soylent green (soy soylent, perhaps?). He also said people drink only a General Ripper-style concoction of distilled water and pure grain alcohol.
He also claimed that any discussions of health care and health insurance were unnecessary, since these are “quaint relics of the past” - all diseases in the future have been eradicated by a pill called “Wellium”, which will be manufactured and administered by the “ammonia people of Neptune” to all earth citizens.
After that wonderful spaghetti supper prepared by the Doswell “Ruriteens”, the meeting and conversation turned confrontational, then chaotic among the burping and tooth-picking. Some difficult questions regarding the future and time travel were posed by Doswell residents, and Grognak-6’s answers seemed flip, spontaneous and even flat-out falsehoods, lending some to doubt to his credibility:
Q: Is time travel safe?
A: It is the safest form of transportation in existence.
Q: Then why do you wear a helmet?
A:
Q: Can you travel to any time in history?
A: Yes.
Q: Then why did you come to Doswell, Virginia, in 2009? Don't tell me just to address the Ruritan club.
A:
Q: If your only food is soy soylent green, why did you eat our spaghetti without even asking what it was?
A: I know of your spaghetti from my research before traveling.
Q: Why does your silver jumpsuit have Velcro snaps in the back? Is Velcro the ‘clothing snaps of the future’?
A: This is a futuristic Velcro, made with tungsten and zinc.
Q: Is that an "Ellman's" tag in the back?
A: No.
Q: Where in the future do you live?
A: Shangri-La Towers, Sector G7, in the Samsung quadrant, Northern United Amerasian Emirate.
Q: Is that the location of your time travel machine?
A: Yes.
Q: Then how do you plan to get back?
A:
After another ugly 15 minutes the man from the future gave up and left, driving back to the future in his not-so-futuristic 1998 Ford Saturn.
Q: Where in the future do you live?
A: Shangri-La Towers, Sector G7, in the Samsung quadrant, Northern United Amerasian Emirate.
Q: Is that the location of your time travel machine?
A: Yes.
Q: Then how do you plan to get back?
A:
After another ugly 15 minutes the man from the future gave up and left, driving back to the future in his not-so-futuristic 1998 Ford Saturn.
