Bullfield Road resident Lisa Daugherty swiped her valued customer card yesterday in the Ashland Ukrops after a particularly large purchase and was disappointed to see she netted a total savings of 80 cents off a $265 purchase.
“This is yet another in a long line of disappointing savings from this supposed valued customer card,” says Daugherty, waving the almost worthless plastic card while standing in the parking lot in the sweltering 100-degree heat while the Ukrops guy who looked just like Robert Goulet packed her purchases into the trunk of her Saturn. “I wouldn’t mind toting my own groceries to my car if I could trade off some more substantial savings inside.”
But little does Daugherty realize her Ukrops card is not about savings at all, but about the grocery giant accessing her personal medical records, mortgage information, credit history and a dozen other databases with a simple swipe, at least according to the bearded guy pushing a Wal-Mart cart full of aluminum cans behind the Swank Shop.
“Why do you think Ukrops pushes those cards on everybody?” he raved, “To get in our heads, man – inside our brains! Look at my knees!” he suddenly switched gears, duck-walking in a circle around his can cart, “Look at my knees!”
During the duck walk demonstration a white pickup truck turned the corner and the driver told the man a fire had broken out in the alley behind Arby’s. When the man ran off, the man in the truck dumped the cart full of cans into the bed of his truck. As he got back in he turned and said “Gas leak in Doswell asbestos factory ‘not serious’, say survivors.”
Wait - this wasn’t a story, it was a stupid dream.
