. . . Kegs, Camaro Crash Helmets, Saddlebags, Wisecracks and Cottage Cheezies
The July 4, 2009 weekend will go down at Doswell public areas like pools, lakes and swimming holes as the holiday of imaginatively-named physical traits and the open willingness to display them.
“We’re seeing a definite uptick in the stratum of physical characteristics with colorful monikers,” says Ashland Sociologist and master pipe fitter Wallace Carswell. “People are no longer ashamed of these various physical anomalies and more inclined to give them comical names then show them off proudly as a snub to the embarrassing stigma previously associated with such attributes.”
Indeed, a casual visit to any public swimming arena reveals a jaw-dropping number of the above-named physical features, unabashedly parading around in not-always appropriate revealing clothing. “Why just say you have a muffin top when you can show it?” says Independence Road resident Mark Williams Jr., proudly manhandling the inner-tube-like layer of pale blubber puddling across the top of his cut-offs. “And check out these moobs!” he says, bouncing his almost gynecomastia-like man-boobs like they were two jiggling mounds of mashed-potato jello.
“It’s like in the old days when the circus freaks all lived together in their own communities,” says Carswell, wincing in fright at an unusually dimpled display of saddlebags passing in front of us, “Not that I’m saying these people are freaks – not at all, but they feel more at home displaying these attributes when they are around others like them.”
Carswell says we can probably expect more open celebrations of imaginatively-named results of questionable lifestyles in the future. “It’s almost a smackdown to the anorexic look of the movie and fashion industries. These people hold their double-chinned heads up proudly, bite into a Cinnabon and proclaim their looks just as enticing as the Hollywood elites. And good for them!” Carswell added, as he peeled off his t-shirt, revealing his own billowing belly keg before he performed an eerie, impromptu self-celebratory dance.
He looked like a human lava lamp.
