Though Old Ridge Road teen Michael Rosen is valedictorian of West Hanover High this year, no one is going to be able to concentrate on his address at graduation June 12 because of an absolutely gigantic, breathtaking monster pimple that envelops his lower jaw like an underdeveloped custard-filled parasitic twin.
“That pimple is an 11,” states principal Howard Cline, “Even while we were meeting to discuss the graduation ceremony Wednesday I didn’t hear a word of what Michael said – all I could think of what was going to happen if that enormous pimple erupted, and should I duck?”
Other school administrators express similar sentiments. “I congratulated Michael on his great years at West Hanover, but I stood off to the side when I did it,” says guidance counselor Helen Hart. “That thing on his chin is frightening in its girth and complexity. I swear I can see things swimming around in it just under the surface.”
“It’s a Mount Fuji of acne,” claims Athletic Director John Welch, “complete with a snow-capped peak.”
Students at the school report Rosen has been lugging that same indescribable pimple around school since the ninth grade, and he has made no attempt to relieve himself of the festering, jelly-filled Berliner that dwarfs his face. “You almost think it can talk,” says salutatorian Barbara Wingham, “but his main head does all the talking. That pimple just stares back at you, like an alien that burst only halfway out, then dares you to cross it.”
Experts predict the crowd will have a difficult time hearing Rosen’s address, since he will have to stand so far back from the microphone to avoid whacking it with the tumor-like protruberance and unleashing a pus tsunami that would threaten the first three rows of graduates. “It would be like sitting at a Gallagher show,” claims schoolmate Libby Waltham’s dad, Larry, referring to the alleged comedian who used to smash watermelons on stage with sledgehammers.
“Someone needs to do something before graduation night.” Says spooky Custodian Bill Dillman, holding a droplight under his chin to accentuate his spookiness. “Someone’s going to piss off Rosen and it’s gonna be like ‘Carrie’, mark my words, either the sky or that pimple is going to open up. If I see his two index fingers pointing toward that thing in a pinching motion I’m heading for higher ground and a can of bactine.”
1 Effusive Praises:
C'mon, man. People are trying to eat.
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