Dixie Treat Mobile Home Court resident Thurman Brown returned home this past Saturday, just as his wife Maddy predicted, after being abducted by that smoke ring seen hovering over Doswell’s Kings Dominion theme park last weekend (above).“It was horrible,” said the hung-over and disheveled Brown, who reeked of some form of cheap Mars alcohol. “I woke up in the back of their saucer, which looked just like an older panel van. A big fat alien was driving, and he said in a moldy voice that we had to stop for sustenance.”
Brown went on to describe an experience that sounded remarkably like eating at a Golden Corral. “The alien who abducted me took me inside this place that had a claw machine by the front door, then he said we had to sit at a certain place to get the most out of the food gathering experience,” Brown claimed, “At ‘an incline plane from the primary food items’ or something like that.” Brown says his outer space host was also very particular about how they needed to traverse around the “linear” food displays, only in a clockwise direction and avoiding “wandering” and “grazing”, two terms Brown assumed were intergalactic in nature. “He was really big on avoiding wasted steps,” Brown said, “and he wouldn’t shut up about an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast he attended a while back that cut him off after 14 pancakes.”
Brown claims to have lost all track of time during his abduction, and only remembers being “dropped off” near the Dixie Treat late Saturday. “I think the alien said ‘See you next weekend’, I’m not sure,” claims Brown.
Brown’s wife Maddy says this is the third or fourth time Brown has disappeared then reappeared, claiming extraterrestrial abduction. “I suspect he’s getting drunk and imagining the whole thing,” she claims.
