Despite looking so delicious in the Food Lion meat case, Doswell gastronome Eric Waldbauer now regrets eating an entire package of the fat-filled, but oh-so-delicious country-style ribs.
“I was alternating popping Mylanta and nitroglycerin by the end of the meal” reports the hefty eater, who had been known for being prone to excess. “After three or four pounds of the meaty pork slabs I could feel my blood actually slowing down into a sluggish, cholesterol-filled slurry. Honey, where’s the catheter?”
Waldbauer’s wife Wanda had to frequently put down her fork during the meal and beat on hubby Eric’s chest to get his heart pumping again. “Eric loves his ribs, although I think he overdid it this time,” she says as she threaded the flexible catheter up through a vein in Eric’s trembling left thigh. “Do I need to get the rib spreaders, honey?” she asked as the razor-like claws on the end of the catheter churned laboriously through Eric’s fat-packed arteries like an augur chewing through a caulking tube full of congealed lard, breaking up the impacted blubber jamming his vessels.
“I’m good.” Eric replied, his exploded face a scarlet crimson from his off-the-chart blood pressure, which was so high it could run a hydraulic shovel on a front-end loader for almost 20 minutes. “Oof, whoa, boy, next time somebody needs to cut me off.”
His pipes finally somewhat cleared, Waldbauer says that while this episode of over-eating was “noteworthy”, it did not compare with the time he ate 6 pounds of under-cooked rib-eye steaks at a company picnic. “I was legally dead for almost half that meal,” he says proudly as Wanda rolled up the catheter and put it back in a kitchen drawer. “But I still managed to choke down 3 more pounds of the charred, bloody steaks before we were asked to leave. You see, it was a company picnic, but it wasn’t my company.”
