Following the failures of his matchbook computer career, his iron-on tattoo booth, his ice cream kiosk and his self-service pharmacies, unemployed Doswell entrepreneur John Irvin is pursuing a new career as a faith-healing veterinarian.
“The Lord showed me this work in the form of a buttered bagel from this very restaurant.” Irvin claimed, turning his eyes either heavenward or at the menu as we stood in the McDonald’s line. “It is a career where I can combine my healing skills with my love for animals.”
When it was pointed out that if he loved animals so much why was he ordering a double quarter-pounder, Irvin grimaced and changed his order to a side salad. “Faith healing is a difficult career – faith-healing veterinary services will challenge me like no other career I know. I seem to have left my wallet in your car.”
Irvin has already rented a small building off Verdon Road to perform his healing powers to Doswell livestock. “I plan to start out with small family pets – hamsters and guinea pigs, then move up to cats, dogs and finally farm animals. I will not discriminate based on genus or species – all animals are welcome.”
When asked if he was going to extend his healing powers to less desirable animals, like blowflies and cockroaches, Irvin claims he had not considered those forms of wildlife as he repeatedly pumped a stubborn ketchup dispenser which suddenly exploded out a clump, blowing the tiny paper cup from his hand.
“Crap, that’s right - I got a salad, not French fries.” He moaned as he wiped ketchup from his shirt.
This meeting was going nowhere, so I left. Irvin can walk home.
