Doswell resident and rotund local eater Eric Waldbauer is considered the area’s leading authority on buffet restaurant protocol and getting the most from a buffet experience, including reaching that revered 7th trip to the bar, a feat Waldbauer says he has experienced over a dozen times.
“I think of myself as ‘eating old school’.” Says the engorged New Market Mill road resident, who cut his teeth as a youngster at Duff’s Smorgasbord, Ken Johnson’s in Charlottesville and other early 1970s buffet restaurants. “With years of experience I have a lot to offer in making the most of anyone’s buffet restaurant visit, including making that almost unreachable 7th visit.”
Restaurants today have done away with the 1970s Duff’s business model of food-gathering. “The Richmond Duff’s, if you recall, had the food bins mounted on conveyor-style tracks and slow-turning carousels, so all one had to do was stand in one place and scoop food as it passed. That form of gathering encouraged single-item grazing, and did not entice eaters to seek out other primary items. Too many times eaters found it more convenient to eat straight off the buffet, discarding tables altogether.”
Waldbauer says with the demise of the Duff’s buffet model today there are instead three basic types of buffets: Linear, station-style and V-shape. “You’ll find the linear style at your Ponderosas and Golden Corrals, exemplified by a straight run of side-by items, punctuated by 90-degree turns. ‘Station-style’ buffets are usually six 10-item stations found more at your Wood Grills, and the more popular V-shapes are found at your standard Chinese buffets.”
Waldbauer says eaters need to plan ahead according to the style of buffet. “I like to note the ‘lay of the land’ when I enter and when standing at the cashier. “seating is key at your linear buffets. While some think sitting close to the food is optimal, I say that sitting too close encourages wandering and grazing – two bad habits that can inhibit your food-gathering options. Also I find it difficult to enjoy my meal if I am so close a bottleneck forces those in line to stand beside me. I like to sit about halfway back in the restaurant, affording me a clear line to the food but far enough to discourage the bad habits and uncomfortable situations noted previously.”
“With your station-style buffets, seating preferential is more fluid, but what’s more important is to adopt the ‘figure-8’ routine on the primary food item stations: start at the end of one station, then walk a figure 8 around the two stations, crossing at the same point between them. You minimize your amount of steps while maximizing your food collecting. Do try to get a seat at a right angle to the nearest station corner to further minimize distance.”
“Distinguish your proximity to your primary food items versus your secondary items. For example, position yourself in an incline plane to your meats, main vegetables and desserts. Lower priority secondary food items, such as your cottage cheese, sliced radishes and tartar sauces, are not on your primary incline plane. You don’t want to waste time and steps on those items until your primary items are exhausted.”
Waldbauer also has his own lexicon of terminology to apply to his hindrances to maximum buffet intake processes:
Wandering: a sure sign of a buffet amateur, it is the act of picking up a plate then walking around the entire buffet just looking before going back for the actual food.
Grazing: A step up from wandering, it is the act of walking around the buffet, getting only a spoonful of several items to try before going around again for full servings (“a massive waste of time and steps”).
Shanking: Getting one meat item, then consuming it while going to a vegetable, then having to go all the way back for another meat item.
Breaking: Having to stop in the middle of the meal to use the bathroom.
Restarting: Similar to breaking, but the server accidentally clears your place setting while you’re in the bathroom, forcing you to start over.
Swiping: A strict no-no, it is the act of stealing a food item off the plate of a neighbor while they are at the buffet. Once seen as a penalty if they were wandering.
Vegging: Paying for a full buffet then eating only salad.
“Properly eating a buffet is both a science and an art,” says Waldbauer, waving a fat pinky in the air. “We all dream of that magic trip #7 to the buffet, but few ever get to experience it due to poor planning.” Hopefully Waldbauer’s tips can help more of us reach that goal.
