Thursday, May 21, 2009

“Think Waterboarding is Torture? Try Living in Doswell”; Guantanamo Bay Detainees May be Moved Here

President Obama’s plan to close the Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility may become a reality sooner than anyone expected if Doswell resident Fred Porter Jr. has his way.

Porter, owner of that eyesore property at the corner of Route 1 and Verdon Road has plans to turn it into a detention facility for the terrorist suspects currently held at Gitmo. “It is not only my civic duty to help our government find a place to keep those inmates, but it is in my personal interests as well, as the financial boom such a facility can bring to the area is beyond anyone’s comprehension.”

“The property is by no means one of those ‘country club’-style facilities,” says the entrepreneurial and civic-minded Porter as he took a break from chasing out the rats, “It is hot as blazes inside this cinderblock building during the day, and it smells terrible. I’ve got a crap dish network plan that broadcasts only one channel – channel 151 – and it only says ‘Channel 151 has been moved to 177’ all the time.”

And what of the seemingly lax security around the compound? “There are orange cones all around the property, marking the detainees’ boundaries,” says Porter. “And that strand of barbed wire is just over knee high. If they try to jump over it in an escape attempt, there is a good chance they will hang their foot in it and fall, palms down, onto the asphalt. No enhanced interrogation technique can compare with having the palms of your hands embedded with gravel from a fall. It hurts like the dickens!”

Porter says since there is no running water on the property, toilet facilities will be provided by ‘Pauls’ Portable Plastic Privvies’, a local business. “We’re going to let them get smack full before Paul comes to pump them. They won’t be a bit happy about that, but after all, they’re terrorists.”

Porter projects over 11 local jobs will be created by the detention facility. “The Trailer Court guys are chomping at the bit to be guards, and I’ve already hired three of the meanest Virginia High School League varsity football coaches around as interrogators,” he says. “when a football coach in those polyester shorts and hairy legs and whistle gets in your face, screaming just what is your major malfunction, and that you run like a girl and other completely hurtful and unnecessary comments that follow you for life, well – that can make anybody break, even the most jaded jihadist.”

“Food will be provided by the Stop-N-Go,” adds Porter after he settled down from talking about the coaches. “Everything they eat will be just past the sell-by date. By definition, that is not torture, but hey – I ain’t running no toddler town here. This is serious business.”

Porter says the Doswell Detention Compound should be ready for the first busload of terrorists by Labor Day.