But there are plenty of other oddball afflictions one may contract
While there have not yet been any confirmed cases of swine flu in Doswell, local residents can boast of a number of other bizarre afflictions that have plagued the community over the past several years.
For example, long time Dixie Treat residents recall the Kuru laughing sickness epidemic of 1989, when 13 trailer court residents contracted the extremely contagious, sometimes fatal affliction that was diagnosed by resident Alford Smithley’s visiting cousin, who claimed to work for the Center for Disease Control. He then claimed that marathon beer drinking cured the sickness, and whether it really worked or was purely psychological is moot, because everybody was suddenly extremely hung over, but no longer laughing.
Blaschko Lines – characterized by zebra-like stripes on the torso – appeared briefly on graphic artist Howard Littlebaum’s wife Coco, formerly of Pleasant Level Drive. He moved to New Jersey in 1998, so we don’t know how she came out.
Mark Wallenstein claimed he was diagnosed with something called “Yellowlegs-Magyar Syndrome”, but his ex-wife Maggie claims he used that every time he wanted to get out of working his job at the Rock Quarry. He claims the syndrome causes temporary paralysis from the waist up.
Saddlebags Retirement Home resident and former Futurist Wallace Carswell says he suffers from Exploding joint disease. “They’re ticking time bombs!” he yells from the seat of the Blue Hair Tour Bus on his way to Piccadilly Cafeteria. A sudden muffled thud on the bus caused a momentary scare, but a subsequent strangling odor confirmed it was only the bowels of Fred Wardell that burst, not Carswell’s joints, generating a good laugh, especially from Mr. Wardell, who was then asked to get off the bus.
Finally, anyone desiring a good dose of worms is welcome to visit and dig around in the Nichols family’s sandbox on Hewlett Road. It is visited by no fewer than 13 cats almost every day. “I got kids passing balls of angel hair spaghetti almost daily” says Warren, the father of either 6 or 7, depending if you count 9-year-old Haggai’s deformed twin in the attic.
Just kidding.
