Huge Doswell family slated to replace the bickering Jon and Kate on TLC
“Hey chillun’s, we is goin’ to be tellyvision stars!” says the unemployed and possibly unemployable Doswell dad Filmer Harkrader as he shooed numerous runny-nosed kids of all ages away from the front porch of their mobile Home following an announcement by TLC that the gigantic Doswell family is on the short list to replace the imploding Jon and Kate.
“First thing I’m gonna do with the money is get a new window unit for the trailer,” says the confident Filmer, counting his chickens already. “And I’m gonna send the rest to that preacher down in Richmond who’s sellin’ those rapture runnin’ shoes in the old Rabow department store.”
Wife Maxine (currently in what must be her 13th month of yet another pregnancy) is equally excited by the prospects of having their lives exhaustively documented and laid open for millions of hyper-critical television viewers. “I can be as obnoxious as Kate - watch this,” she said, taking a break from sealing the roof of their trailer with a string mop before screaming “Filmer! Git up here and help me birth Samsung (the unborn baby)! He’s already started to crown!”
“Why don’t you get that Combined door-to-door Insurance fella to birth him!” Filmer screamed back from the comfort of his bony armchair, “It’s his’n anyhow!”
Maxine smiled slyly as she looked back at this reporter. “I know that door-to-door insurance fella ain’t really the daddy of this one – but he might be the daddy of Wall-E and possibly General Pershing. So ya see, we got our issues as well.”
In addition to the unborn Samsung, Wall-E (age 11 months) and General Pershing (age 2), the Harkrader kids also include Dannon (age 17), Smokey (15), triplets Rosco, Bosco and Moxie (12), Officejet (10), Aflac (8), Moon Over My Hammy, or just Hammy for short (6), Saint Vitus (5), twins Marv and Dot (4) and Florida (3-1/2).
The Harkraders say they have been trying to get featured on reality television for years. “Maxine was called down on the ‘Price is Right’ back in 1991 but she guessed a price of $42 on a catamaran,” says Filmer, therefore she never made it in the final cut. “I’ve been trying to get us on that Home Makeover show with the funny little haircut man, and my kids have been trying to get me on a show called ‘Intervention’. They need to get my friend Charlie Hammer on that show because he intervented a great bass boat.”
TLC is staying mum on the subject, probably for good reason.
