“It seemed like a good idea on the plans” says park spokespersonKings Dominion theme park announced with great fanfare the opening of their “Hootin’ Holler” theme area (above) for their 2009 grand opening, then 30 minutes into the live show abruptly shut the area down and cleared out all guests.
“Last year, when the newest attraction for the 2009 season was proposed, it seemed like a great idea,” says Betsy Mangel, park spokesperson. “We were converting the old Safari area into a genuine rural Appalachian mining town, complete with funky costumed characters, realistic props, a live country show and several rides and shows mirroring the theme. We had high hopes for a great turnout, and folks flocked to the area on opening day – but things went quickly downhill after that.”
“Sometimes Themed areas turn out a lot different in real life than they looked in the form of design sketches,” Mangel added. “We should have learned our lesson from the ‘Wayne’s World’ experience in 1995. for example, the Hootin’ Holler proposal drawings had old guys lying around drinking from a jugs with XXX on them, a ‘shotgun’ wedding, an old geezer chasing a barefoot woman, another guy taking potshots with an old shotgun at another guy’s feet, you know, comical stereotype hillbilly behavior – people have seen it dozens of times. We brought in mobile homes and old trucks. However, when seen for real, it just looked like we took the worst aspects of life in those mountain towns and played them for laughs.”
“The area came across as a sick celebration of poverty, rampant unemployment, incest, forced marriages, pervasive alcoholism and pure laziness.” Mangel said.
In addition to the “sick celebrations”, Hootin’ Holler also featured a small coaster ride called the “Swirl and Hurl”, where riders board a modified washing machine from a loading area located on the front porch of an old shack and take a jittering, jolting spin around the area, giving the impression you are drunk on bad moonshine when you disembark. “The vomiting was supposed to enhance the theme,” Mangel reports with a sad shake of her head. “Plus it gave the impression that country people are too poor to own cars, and have to ride washing machines. Dear God.”
The absolute low point was the live show, presented by seasonal actors and actresses at 10 am to kick off the hillbilly festivities. A young pig-tailed girl in a gingham dress and ripped stockings danced out on stage to some banjo-pickin’ music and announced through a toothless smile (another nod to poverty: no dental care) that her name was “Spandine” as she welcomed all the guests to Hootin’ Holler. Then she recited a series of tasteless jokes that left the crown stunned. “What’s the definition of a Hottin’ Holler virgin?” She shouted over the amplified banjo before answering “A 12-year-old that can outrun her brothers!”
The gasps were audible.
She then smiled to display her lack of teeth. “I know we ain’t got no teeth in Hootin’ Holler!” she announced, “But what we lack in teeth we make up for with extra toes!”
“Diddy lost his job down at the chicken plant! Now he says he’ll have to start sleepin’ with momma agin!”
“It was every bad West Virginia joke, rolled into one horrific experience,” moans Mangel. “We realized at that point the irony of spending 10 million dollars to re-create grinding poverty, and Park President Patrick Zimmer wisely pulled the plug, shutting the location down.”
“And to make things even worse, we found out there is a real Hootin’ Holler themed area in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.”
Currently Kings Dominion has no immediate plans in how to re-theme the area. “We are weighing some options,” says Mangel. “We’re kicking around a ‘Drag Me to Hell’ movie theme, or maybe a Pro Football theme, featuring Michael Vick or some other famous ball player. We’ll see.”
