Doswell Man Has No Tattoos, but Moles of Many Different Colors and Shapes

Plantation Road resident Billy Greene has never sat in a tattoo parlor and had a drawing injected straight under his skin with a wildly-pulsating needle (or had one applied with a steam iron), but for the past several years he has watched many moles on his body erupt, shift, pulsate, move and change colors.

“It’s like watching a really slow animated cartoon” reports the surprisingly unconcerned Doswell resident as he pulled his shirt up over his massive belly to show off the many questionable and frankly horrifying moles, blotches and freckles on his stomach and back – a mottled, kaleidoscope moonscape that has to be a dermatologist’s worst nightmare.

“This all started in the summer of 1981,” says the cancer-cheating sun-worshiper, “I was an 18-year-old lifeguard who didn’t believe in sunscreen. After the first 6 or 7 really ferocious sunburns and subsequent full-body peels I started seeing many discolored, multi-shaped eruptions on my arms, legs and midsection. ‘It might be skin cancer’ said a doctor after one of them started bleeding for no reason. ‘what the hell does he know?’ I answered as I slathered on more mayonnaise and continued my days in the broiling sun.”

“Well, after 4 or 5 summers of roasting my body I stated getting some really freakish, huge, multi-colored, animated moles. I had one shaped like an amoeba that literally traveled from one side of my neck to the other over the course of a summer, like a flip-book. It was awesome.”

Consequently, he warns today’s young people of the dangers of tattoos, instead advocating the cultivation of giant, crusty shifting moles and freckles as a means of self-expression. “Tattooing is for pasty losers” says the prematurely-aging Greene, whose face and chest resembles a wadded-up paper Food Lion grocery bag, “Plus tattooing ain’t safe. Who knows where those needles have been?”