Doswell ready to capitalize on Ashland’s diminished capacity
The famously upright symbol of Ashland’s supposed superiority in central Virginia (shown at left) came crashing down last week, removing any remaining vestiges of their once-famous and thriving small town reputation.
“We gave Ashland a vasectomy last week,” lamented Craigmont van Buren IV, local town attorney and bearded, lock-jawed snoot. “Today Ashland is resting comfortably, but very sore and wondering if it was all a big mistake.”
A flaccid stump is all that remains of the once proud and erect Henry Clay Shopping Center sign after construction workers enfeebled it with saws and torches against the screaming objections of the memory of former Mayor Dick Gillis. As of yesterday the sign – a pulsating symbol of town growth – lay pathetically on its side, unable to muster any enthusiasm to passing motorists and pedestrians, who shook their heads and clucked in sympathy.
“The sign was the 'center of the universe''s magnetic pole,” says van Buren, his legs crossed effeminately as he nibbled a walnut and cranberry croissant outside the coffee and tea, his very presence further evidence of the town’s decimated testosterone. “Without the pole and the logo, Ashland is yet another, dare I say, ‘railroad town’.”
You mean like Doswell? “Dear God save us all,” muttered van Buren in disgust at the mere mention of a comparison between the neighboring burgs, as walnut crumbs littering his Randolph-Macon style beard and black dickie dribbled to the ground.
No longer the center of the universe, Ashland town planners are kicking around numerous other suggestions for town mottos. Newsfromdoswell has some suggestions:
Ashland – Not as good as Doswell!
Ashland – No need for a car: our crippling town tax will drive you away!
There is no reason to come to Ashland Anymore!
Ashland – The parking lot carnival started a pinworm epidemic!
Ashland – Speed limit 25; Fun limit 0
Ashland – we used to have a lot of good stuff here, but now we don’t got anything.
