Monday, April 27, 2009

Doswell Working Woman can no Longer Tolerate Farting Sounds Made by her Vinyl Office Chair

Claiming that her old, cheap vinyl office chair is “an embarrassment”, Local worker Linda Farrell is considering chucking the obnoxious chair into the Coastal Supply Company dumpster.

(Pictured at left: the offending chair)

“I can’t sit, move or shift in it without these humiliating farting noises,” she complains, “Debbie who works over in payroll laughs at me every single blessed time, asking if I had beans again for breakfast and stupid stuff like that. Just yesterday, the company VP of HR was in the cubicle next to me, talking to our finance officer. I came in with my coffee and actually stood there next to my chair, scared to sit in it. They just kept talking, so I eventually tried easing into the chair.”

According to Finance officer Gene Walden, the ensuing noise emanating from the cubicle next door “was just about the funniest sound I ever heard. It was long, slow and drawn out, like she was trying to sit down really slow to minimize the noise. But it worked in reverse.”

Farrell says the chair has been a source of embarrassment since she started her job as Administrative Assistant to the Finance Office at the Doswell-based company. “I put in for a nice cloth chair, but it got turned down by the department manager because it had arms. Apparently only managers at this company can sit in chairs with arms. Meanwhile, I still have this stupid vinyl ‘task’ chair.”

On the positive side, Farrell claims she can really pass gas from the chair without drawing attention. “I guess if there’s a silver lining to my farting chair, that’s it,” she says, “unless it unexpectedly smells like mustard gas, like it did yesterday. But I blamed that on Debbie in front of our biggest client. Payback can be hell.”