Thursday, February 19, 2009

Doswell Homeschool Dad also Fierce Advocate of Home Dentistry

In addition to homeschool and homechurch, every three months on the second Saturday is “Home Dentist Day” at the Nichols household on Hewlett Road

Claiming that it is a “piece of cake”, Doswell homeschool dad Warren Nichols demonstrates his home dentistry skills on nervous wife Wanda as Newsfromdoswell squeamishly observes.

“There’s nothing fancy - all you need is a die grinder and a soldering gun” claims the impromptu and amateur dentist, who holds no degrees of any kind, much less in dentistry. “Sure, the experts will say you need all those high-dollar grinding tools, but a plain old steel burr that came with the dremel tool I got at Home Depot will scream through that soft, raw, pulsating tooth in a jiffy.”

(Pictured: Early dental reference book used by the Nichols family)

Nichols also foregoes with any types of anesthesia, claiming they are just too expensive. “We tried different kinds early on, like helium gas,” he states, but the effect was negligible, “and the kids had these eggy helium farts all night, pardon my French.” Nichols claims he can work fast enough to negate any effects of anesthesia anyway. “I’ll rub on a little Anbesol before grinding and filling, just to take the edge off.”

“Dentistry is a racket,” says the skeptical dad over the high-pitched whine of the air-driven dremel after sending the kids out in the yard then grinding away in record time a goodly portion of Wanda’s throbbing, pus-filled abscess in a moist cloud of smoke, spittle and flying tooth fragments. “And I got no dental insurance at my job at the plant. I figure with 5 kids I’m saving about a thousand dollars a year.”

Nichols then plugs in the soldering gun and unwinds a 6” length of acidless solder. “But home dentistry is not without its dangers,” he adds, snipping the solder with diagonal cutters as the gun tip begins to glow and smolder. “You gotta watch the tip of the soldering gun – it gets up to 900 degrees. It’ll melt a hole through your tongue quicker than you can say ‘diminished capacity’. See?” Nichols then opened his own mouth and displayed his horrifying leper-like shard of a tongue, with a third of it sheared away because of a soldering gun accident.

“I’m actually pretty good at the soldering and tooth rebuilding, it’s just that the cat jumped on my lap while I was trying to fill a cavity.” he says as he starts filling Wanda’s tooth, despite her crazy-eyed stares and mumbled pleadings. “But the proof is in the pudding.” The solder sizzles and pops in her mouth as Nichols deftly rebuilds the ruined abscess into a passable metal tooth. When done he hits it a few licks with a mill file to smooth off the rough edges. “All done!” he proclaims as he gives his patient a gentle shake to wake her. “Honey go get the kids!”

But the kids were nowhere to be found.