Local resident and amateur astronomer Malcolm Wiggins has submitted mathematical evidence that he says despite its claims, Ashland, Virginia is not the actual center of the universe.
“I doubted their claim all along, but I couldn’t prove it.” Claims the wavy-haired star-gazer. “But I have spent years scanning the skies and entering data in my Excel spreadsheet, and I now have conclusive proof that the actual center of the universe is either the planet Tralfamadore in the Rigulon nebula, or it’s Colonial Heights.”
Wiggins then produced hundreds of complex and tiny calculations that looked more like gibberish than actual computations. “This is the result of years of patience, dedication and an intense dislike for Ashland,” claims Wiggins. “Somebody had to put them in their place.”
Ashland city councilman Craigmont von Courtland put little credence in Wiggins’ claim. “I believe this is less the result of Wiggin’s aptitude as an astronomer and more the result of his son getting his behind kicked by our Mayor’s son in judo last April.”
