Fancy Big City Law Professor Uses Legal Loophole to Shut Down Blogger in Epic Social Media Smackdown!
Doswell author Dale “The Berserk Biped” Brumfield is still reeling today from the unexpected epic smackdown and unfriending suffered at the hands of Baltimore constitutional law professor and Richmond native Garrett “Sudden Death” Epps in a championship Facebook Faceoff earlier this week.
The bout started at the opening bell with Epps updating his status by linking his latest Atlantic article, “The Missing Voices in theContraception Mandate Cases,” in which he argues that those trouble-making nuns over at little Sisters of the Poor are overstepping their legal bounds in their battle royale with the HHS contraception mandate.
The round got off to a weak but wholly expected start, with several of Epps’ followers lavishing praise on the St. Christopher alumnus’. “Superb essay” one follower noted. Suddenly Brumfield sprung into the fray, delivering the roundhouse statement “Why isn’t anyone forcing birth control manufacturers to give away their products? That would eliminate the health insurance middleman and this controversy would go away.”
Infuriated by Brumfield’s below-the belt jab on his below-the-belt subject matter, the enraged Epps erupted with a 250-word haymaker that despite having little to do with Brumfield’s comment still bludgeoned the befuddled Biped down to one knee, almost prematurely ending the bout. Then, with Brumfield groggy and wounded, “Sudden Death” Epps pounded salvo after salvo, demanding before every ensuing condescending blow to “Now Listen Carefully.” Epps berated Brumfield in short, hammer-like blows that “Health. Insurance. Is. Not. Free” and that he “inform” himself of his topics before commenting. Epps then punk-slapped Brumfield about the ring, stating that he could only comment on the “Comments” section of TheAtlantic, where he has vowed to remain subdued, even if someone makes fun of his hairline. He then delivered a knockdown blow, ordering Brumfield to stop “trolling” his Facebook posts, despite the fact that Epps accepted Brumfield’s friend request over a year ago. The bell thankfully ended the round.
|Brumfield, in an attempt to attract higher class|
At the second round bell, “Berserk Biped” Brumfield roared out of his corner, head-rebutting Epps’ claims by informing him he has worked for 13 years in the health insurance industry as a consultant and did indeed know what he was talking about. Brumfield followed up this left-wing hook with the observation that what Epps considered “trolling” he considered “lively discussion.” He then delivered an unexpected half-hearted, half-sarcastic apology for hurting Epps’ feelings, but observed also that apparently Epps only wanted to surround himself on Facebook with those who constantly agreed with and praised him, incensing the fancy law professor by the end of the round.
At the start of the third round, Epps activated his cloak of invisibility by unfriending Brumfield in a wily legal maneuver that forfeited the match and left the hapless counterculture casualty jabbing in the dark, unable to connect with anything.
After the match, Brumfield could only sit in the dressing room, soak his typing fingers in ice water and speculate on the reasons for the brutal unfriending. “I don’t understand – if only his initial barrage of blows were somehow related to my comment, but they seemed so random and all over the place. And now I sit here, beaten and bruised, wondering what his Facebook friends are saying about me, getting a good laugh at that boob from Doswell, I’m sure. And I can’t see it."
“You know, some people consider it petty and cowardly to unfriend someone because of a simple political or cultural disagreement,” he said, “I disagree. It takes a lot of guts for a fighter of his age to go to that person’s page, click unfriend, click the confirmation, then close the page. I admire Epps for making the effort to do that.”
Brumfield went on to say he regretted the unfriending. “I need more high-class, elite faculty-lounge-type friends. I mean, I’m currently stuck with friends like this.
Epps was unavailable for comment.