Breaking: Newsfromdoswell fires Blogger; Blog in Turmoil, May Disappear Completely

Doswell abruptly fires Dale Brumfield; No One to Continue Blog; Panic Ensues

The blog Newsfromdoswell was left rudderless and pilotless today, left to steer a blinded course into the windswept rocks of apathy as author and blogger Dale Brumfield (Left) was abruptly relieved of his duties by the Doswell town fathers.

“Mr. Brumfield is no longer a part of Newfromdoswell,” said Doswell Leader Wallace Carswell on the front steps of the Ruritan building. “We felt Doswell would be better served by someone who takes a less . . . acerbic view of our community. We will begin entertaining writers and editors for the blog but in the meantime consider the blog to be on hiatus indefinitely.”

The firing occurred on the one-year anniversary of the blog.

Former Saverichmond.com hothead and current Style Weekly Editor Don Harrison was overjoyed at the news of Brumfield’s release from the blog. “Brumfield’s a hack,” he said from his cell phone in his Richmond home after his insane laughing subsided. “He’s been stealing sub-par articles from The Onion long enough!”

The blog will be left online, as any google search for anything containing the word "Doswell" is the first to show up.

As a final parting shot, Brumfield only had one thing to say: “I am stepping outside,” he moaned, “and I may be gone sometime.”

Good night, and good luck.

New Year's Eve Party in Doswell: Directions here

For those attending the New Year's Eve party in the Dixie Treat Trailer Court in Doswell Dec. 31, here are pictorial directions:

Take Route 1 North about 25 miles from Richmond

Careful! Traffic may be heavy!

Turn left on Verdon Road

Let the Rock Quarry trucks pass on the inside; they have right-of-way

Be sure to obey the commands of the Verdon Road monitors (above). If they say the road is unsafe, believe them. Turn around or back out to Route 1.

Take a right on Flat Iron Road, go about 42 miles - slowly if its foggy.

Bear left when you pass the Church Bus Graveyard

Ask the Doswell Swamp Cat for directions if you get lost

You're here! Happy New Year!

Doswell Man Addicted to TV show "Hoarders"; to Appear on "Intervention"

OCD Doswell resident and amateur astronomer Malcolm Wiggins has appeared in a taped segment of the A&E reality show Intervention to address his addiction to the A&E show Hoarders.

“WE had to step in and save him,” said his daughter-in-law Martha Wiggins, “He was TIVOing episodes of Hoarders, then spending all day in the house, with the shades drawn, watching the episodes over and over.” Wiggins reportedly lost all interest in astronomy and in his job at the Doswell Rock Quarry, where he alternated running the pulverizer and stocking shelves in the Quarry gift shop.

“He watches Hoarders about 14 hours a day,” says wife Andrea, “He says his favorite episode is that one about the adult diapers, but I don’t want to know any details. I have my own hobby to deal with, I can’t be so worried about his.”

Andrea claims her hobby is taking Vicodin.

“I don’t have an addiction, I have a hobby,” stated Wiggins when confronted by this reporter about the intervention requested by his family. “A hobby is not an addiction unless you’re trying to quit, and I’m not trying to quit watching Hoarders, so it still falls under the category ‘hobby’. So screw all of you.”

There is no word yet on when the episode featuring Wiggins will be telecast.

Doswell Blogger Receives Warm, Personal Message from Senator Jim Webb

Doswell blogger Dale Brumfield recently voiced thoughtful concerns over the health care bill moving through the US senate to Senator Jim Webb. In the spirit of Christmas, Senator Webb responded, in the warmest, most personal terms possible:

"Thank you for your recent electronic mail message to my office in Washington. I am pleased that because of the Internet, more than 100,000 Virginians will send their ideas directly to me this year.

Please be assured that your views are very helpful to me and my staff. As the Senate addresses crucial economic, domestic and foreign policy issues facing our nation, we will be sure to keep your comments and ideas in mind.

I encourage you to visit my website at http://webb.senate.gov for regular updates about my activities and positions on matters that are important to Virginia and our nation.

If the subject of your communication is time sensitive, involves a personal issue relating to the federal government (such as help with a passport, claim for veterans’ benefits, or immigration) or requires more detailed attention, please visit my Assistance/Casework page located athttp://webb.senate.gov/services/assistance.cfm or contact my office directly toll free at 1-866-507-1570.

Again, thank you for contacting my office, and I hope you will communicate with me often in the future.

Sincerely,

Jim Webb
United States Senator"

Doswell Christmas Schedule finalized at the Ruritan Building Single-Purpose Room

Dec. 20, 7 PM: Dad n’ Lad Remedial Christmas Caroling – Carols sung phonetically for those who have trouble reading lyrics, especially that one carol “Good King Whatisname”

Dec. 21, 12 noon: Worship Services for shut-ins

Dec. 21, 6 PM: “Christmas Shoes” sing-along, with local quintet Corny Cosby and his Sharps and Flats. Followed by hot cider & cold donuts.

Dec. 22, 7 PM: “A Christmas Story”. Play based on the hit movie, performed by the Doswell Ruriteens. Followed by coffee and cigarettes.

Dec. 23, 4 PM: For our littlest Doswellians - Santa arrives on his ATV, pulled by Hank Wagner’s 8 tiny Pit Bulls. Candy toss has been postponed.

Dec.24, 5 PM: Santa Sky Watch: bring your binoculars and keep an eye on the skies for Santa’s sleigh. If no sleigh is spotted feel free to drink heavily, but no driving.

Dec. 26, 10 AM: Doswell Christmas Tree Smackdown: volunteers remove ornaments and tinsel from Doswell tree, cut down tree, chuck it in the dumpster.

Doswell Salesman Confident he can Sell Truckload of Tubas

Doswell Road crack salesman Desmond Figaro (left) is confident he can move a truckload of tubas he bought on a whim from a music supply warehouse in foreclosure.

“I can move some tubas!” says Figaro as he unloaded the last of the ancient, stained brass instruments from the back of his El Camino. “You know what would go great with that suit? A tuba!”

“When somebody comes in my store,” says Figaro, referring to Figaro’s Housewares of Broad Street, “One of two things is gonna happen: Either I sell you a tuba, or you sell me an excuse why you aren’t gonna buy one – and my friend, I AM the better salesman!”

Figaro says the secret to moving tubas is in the marketing. “I gotta come up with a good catch phrase,” he says, “Something catchy . . . like, ‘Cure the winter blahs, with Oomp pah pahs’. Something like that.”

Figaro says he plans to sell the tubas for only a 15% markup on what he paid for them. “I gotta move these tubas!” he exclaimed when he added in his transportation and storage costs.

“People ask me all the time: ‘How do you move a truckload of tubas?’ and I say, ‘One at a time, baby!’”

Doswell Teen an Obnoxious Plethora of Tiger Woods Jokes

“What did Tiger Woods do Saturday morning?”

“Got up early and did 9 holes!”

Doswell teen and former “Skankee Candle” joke monger Brad Ziffer has become the eminent authority on Tiger Woods jokes, much to his parent’s and friends’ disappointment and aggravation

“Listen to this one,” he said, “The investigator asked Tiger Woods if the white airbag inside the Escalade went off and hit him in the face. Tiger said, no, but the one inside the house sure did!”

Despite please from friends and family members to lay off, Ziffer continues to pummel anyone within earshot of his lame jokes. “Barack Obama says in the wake of the Tiger Woods incident, he has decided that instead of sending 30,000 troops to Afghanistan he is going to send 10,000 blond women armed with golf clubs!” he says with glee.

“What’s the difference between Tiger Woods golf ball and his Escalade?” Ziffer asked, not at all concerned with coming across as a third-rate Jay Leno, “He can safely drive the golf ball 400 yards!”

“I guess it goes to show: When driving, an iron beats a wood every time!”

Let’s stop this now.