Silent Killer: Study Shows 2 Million People with Health Insurance Die Annually

A statistic provided recently by a Harvard study showed that every year 45,000 people die without health insurance. Conversely, the study also showed that almost 2,000,000 WITH health insurance die in the same time period.

Clearly, owning health insurance is killing American citizens in record numbers.

“The stats don’t lie,” stated Harvard researcher Dr. Warren Boles, who spearheaded the 5-year study. “Obviously, owning health insurance in the United States is worse than an Ebola diagnosis, which has a mortality of about 30%. Having a bad case of major medical insurance has an 88% mortality. Someone has to do something, and soon.”

“Since the Democrats started talking about all the people dying without health insurance, I thought I better get it, quick,” said Doswell resident Frank Irvin, “Now I find out you’re more likely to die with it than without it! What kind of bait-&-switch crap is that?”

“People with health insurance should be on the lookout for the warning signs,” said Dr. Boles. “For example, if you have a policy and start feeling like you are going to die, you should seek medical care immediately, because the chances are you will die.”

The results of the study prove to Republicans that by mandating health insurance coverage the government wants to see everyone dead. “Owning health insurance, especially a federal government-sponsored policy, is a death warrant,” says Congressman Maxwell E. Kent, R-Idaho. “I don’t know who they think is going to pay all those taxes they are planning to increase, because everybody’s going to be on the other side of the dirt if they all have health insurance. This administration should be ashamed.”

Senate Performs Budget Abortion on Planned Parenthood without Explaining Alternatives

In the wake of government funding cuts, Planned Parenthood wandered inside the Federal Senate budget appropriations office, scared and confused, wondering what the future held after it found is was bloated with an excess of $3.5 million in a budgeting “accident”. The Senate coldly took Planned Parenthood’s name and information, explained that there were no other options, and promptly aborted the excess in regional funding from its 2010-2011 budget, leaving Planned Parenthood alone and sobbing on the sidewalk.

“They gave me no alternative” the “family planning” organization claimed when the ghastly procedure was over. “We offered to divert funds, or donate the money to sister organizations, even hold it over until the next fiscal year, but no, they said they knew what was best for me before they strapped me to a table and sliced my budget open, vacuumed out the line items and discarded them in a trash can. It was horrible.”

“The Senate didn’t even ask who the paternal instigator of the legislation was,” Planned Parenthood wailed outside the Congressional budget Office, “They said they didn’t want to know, since legally he no longer held any responsibility anyway.”

“The creators of line-item budgets for entities such as Planned Parenthood are of no interest to us,” claimed the anonymous Senate hatchet man who excised the monies from Planned Parenthood’s inflated and doughy midsection, “The law is clear on this matter. Besides, the monies Planned Parenthood unexpectedly found inside itself was not viable, unable to survive outside the organization, and hardly adoptable by any other federally-controlled women’s health organization.”

“It was also done for the good of everyone involved to abort the monies so as not to be a future burden on other government women’s health alliances” He said.

Meanwhile, Planned Parenthood says it is writing off the experience as a learning experience and plans to budget much more carefully in the future, perhaps using more prophylactic measures when interacting with other Senate or House members on budgeting issues. “I plan to keep my books closed.” It claimed, saying that it will probably instead utilize oral exchanges such as those preferred during the Clinton Administration.

Optima Drops Barack Obama from White House PPO

Smoking, high cholesterol keeps President in high-risk pool; his coverage terminated to protect low-risk members

President Barack Obama received notice on Friday that he was being dropped from the Optima-Choice PPO health plan retained by fellow employees at the White House due to a number of high-risk factors revealed in a recent screening at a Capitol Hill health fair, including tobacco-use and high cholesterol readings.

“This is exactly the kind of abuse by insurers to policyholders that I’ve been talking about,” stated the President after reading the formal notice mailed to him by Optima, informing him of his coverage termination. “Now what am I supposed to do? And they didn’t even spell my name right on the letter!”

White House Human Resources director Janet Melton was sympathetic to the President’s plight, but could offer no reasonable alternatives. “If Mr. Obama quit the cigarettes 6 months before the health screenings, like I suggested, and cut out the fatty red meats, he would not be in this situation right now.” Melton did concur that the president’s name had indeed been misspelled on the notice from Optima.

“Now I’m going to have to get on the phone Monday to try to find some decent health insurance,” the President said, flipping the letter over several times to make sure there was nothing on the back of it to contra-indicate the language on the front. “And this termination is going to make it twice as expensive – plus my pre-existing conditions are going to price me in the sub-standard bracket, or whatever they call it. This is a disaster.”

Optima spokesman Wayne Ball was also sympathetic to the President, citing that the decision was made to terminate Obama’s coverage based on statements made by him and the results of the screening. “The President never revealed on his original application last year that he was a smoker,” Ball said in a phone interview, “Plus his experience will adversely affect the risk-pool, driving up everyone’s rate. He was adamant when elected that no one group be singled out for increases by the health of one of the members, so rather than raise the rates of the entire group we terminated the coverage of the one.”

“We were only doing what the President told us to do.” Ball did, however, say that Optima would note the name change in their database and mail a correction.

Obama vehemently disagreed with Optima’s explanation. “I never said that, or I never meant it that way,” he sputtered, “If I switch carriers or buy it direct instead of through payroll, my premiums will double, and that is unsustainable.” The president also said he got on the phone to Optima and “was put through an interactive voice response hell”, being shuffled through numerous options until he finally got cut off without speaking to a real person.

The major medical fiasco was the second insurance-related boondoggle to hit Obama last week. He sustained a major increase on a 10-year term life policy that came up for renewal. “They renewed me as a smoker, which tripled the premium,” he whined, “Now I’m going to pay $122 per month for a $25,000 life policy. That’s just crazy.”

Obama says that he is going to postpone a trip to Asia until after he gets this health insurance problem fixed. “I saw a business card up inside a Wa-Wa station in Springfield from a guy who claims to offer guaranteed coverage discount health insurance, for about $40 a month. Guess I’ll go by and get one then give him a call.”

“I tell you what, Pelosi and Reid better get their acts together on this health care bill,” Obama said, jutting a finger for emphasis, “because I have to have an abscess removed soon and I’ll be darned if I’m going to pay out of pocket.”

When told that his admission of the pre-existing condition would prevent any carrier from paying for it, he cursed in anger and smacked his fist on his desk. “Shutup, Barack, shutup!” he shouted.

BREAKING: NEWSFROMDOSWELL REHIRES BRUMFIELD

Blog to Return; Brumfield “Bitter” about Riff with Doswell Town Fathers

Anxious to return to work

A press release issued this morning reported that blogger Dale Brumfield (left, in a more relaxed moment) has been re-hired to continue “News From Doswell” the award-winning blog that is considered “The best source of news this side of Bret Baer”, Fox reporter and son of Actor Max Baer, who played Oliver Wendell Douglas on the hit 1960’s TV show, “Honey West”.

Brumfield says that the blog will focus more on TV and politics, two topics not considered off-limits by the bone-headed powers-that-be, and one that he happens to be not at all familiar with. “I am suddenly quite politically active,” Brumfield says, “For example, I heard about this guy named Eugene V. Debs, and became a big supporter of him, then I read on Wikipedia who he really was, now I'm not so sure.”

Brumfield admits his complete ignorance of any worthwhile political process will be a boon to Newsfromdoswell readers, since he basically has to start from scratch. “What better person to write authoritatively about politics then someone who knows nothing about it?” he claims.

And ever since the Augusta County Library called him a “TV Theorist” he is suddenly an expert on television. “Go on, ask me something” he says smugly. He is, however, known for his extensive knowledge of test patterns, EBS broadcasts, static, color bars, sign-ons, close-downs and technical difficulties.

The New Newsfromdoswell will resume a semi-sporadic publishing schedule beginning any day now.

Breaking: Newsfromdoswell fires Blogger; Blog in Turmoil, May Disappear Completely

Doswell abruptly fires Dale Brumfield; No One to Continue Blog; Panic Ensues

The blog Newsfromdoswell was left rudderless and pilotless today, left to steer a blinded course into the windswept rocks of apathy as author and blogger Dale Brumfield (Left) was abruptly relieved of his duties by the Doswell town fathers.

“Mr. Brumfield is no longer a part of Newfromdoswell,” said Doswell Leader Wallace Carswell on the front steps of the Ruritan building. “We felt Doswell would be better served by someone who takes a less . . . acerbic view of our community. We will begin entertaining writers and editors for the blog but in the meantime consider the blog to be on hiatus indefinitely.”

The firing occurred on the one-year anniversary of the blog.

Former Saverichmond.com hothead and current Style Weekly Editor Don Harrison was overjoyed at the news of Brumfield’s release from the blog. “Brumfield’s a hack,” he said from his cell phone in his Richmond home after his insane laughing subsided. “He’s been stealing sub-par articles from The Onion long enough!”

The blog will be left online, as any google search for anything containing the word "Doswell" is the first to show up.

As a final parting shot, Brumfield only had one thing to say: “I am stepping outside,” he moaned, “and I may be gone sometime.”

Good night, and good luck.

New Year's Eve Party in Doswell: Directions here

For those attending the New Year's Eve party in the Dixie Treat Trailer Court in Doswell Dec. 31, here are pictorial directions:

Take Route 1 North about 25 miles from Richmond

Careful! Traffic may be heavy!

Turn left on Verdon Road

Let the Rock Quarry trucks pass on the inside; they have right-of-way

Be sure to obey the commands of the Verdon Road monitors (above). If they say the road is unsafe, believe them. Turn around or back out to Route 1.

Take a right on Flat Iron Road, go about 42 miles - slowly if its foggy.

Bear left when you pass the Church Bus Graveyard

Ask the Doswell Swamp Cat for directions if you get lost

You're here! Happy New Year!

Doswell Man Addicted to TV show "Hoarders"; to Appear on "Intervention"

OCD Doswell resident and amateur astronomer Malcolm Wiggins has appeared in a taped segment of the A&E reality show Intervention to address his addiction to the A&E show Hoarders.

“WE had to step in and save him,” said his daughter-in-law Martha Wiggins, “He was TIVOing episodes of Hoarders, then spending all day in the house, with the shades drawn, watching the episodes over and over.” Wiggins reportedly lost all interest in astronomy and in his job at the Doswell Rock Quarry, where he alternated running the pulverizer and stocking shelves in the Quarry gift shop.

“He watches Hoarders about 14 hours a day,” says wife Andrea, “He says his favorite episode is that one about the adult diapers, but I don’t want to know any details. I have my own hobby to deal with, I can’t be so worried about his.”

Andrea claims her hobby is taking Vicodin.

“I don’t have an addiction, I have a hobby,” stated Wiggins when confronted by this reporter about the intervention requested by his family. “A hobby is not an addiction unless you’re trying to quit, and I’m not trying to quit watching Hoarders, so it still falls under the category ‘hobby’. So screw all of you.”

There is no word yet on when the episode featuring Wiggins will be telecast.