Friday, January 27, 2012

Doswell Man Finds Waving a Handgun Exempts Him from Audience Participation-Style Musicals and Comedy Performances

Westbend (R) getting ready to whip it out
Stating that his years of being embarrassed when suddenly picked to participate in local drama productions, high school musicals, cruise ship magic shows and theme park variety performances are over, Blanton Road resident Charlie Westbend has found a novel way to avoid being picked unexpectedly from those audience participation-style performances.

“Yes, I carry a handgun, and I’m not shy about waving it,” says the frustrated fan, who states he loves the theater but “have embarrassed myself for the last time” when it comes to audience involvement in those performances.

“Audience participation is a lose-lose proposition,” claims Westbend, who loves the 2nd amendment more than hokey stage performers. “If you refuse – like I tried to do during an animal act at the Pallazio in Reno, Nevada some years ago – they make you look like a spoil sport at best and a total asshole at worst. Then, if you agree and go up on stage, they make you look like an idiotic loser, like that hypnotist comedian on the Carnival Princess did when we went took a cruise to Freeport in 2008. I mean, how was I supposed to know I not only got an erection but my bowels released when hypnotized? It was humiliating.”

Westbend says that his current way of exempting himself from being picked for these types of performances so far is foolproof. “Once the handgun comes out, they immediately back away and pick somebody else for their little act. It’s a good thing too they don’t know the gun ain’t loaded.”

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Mark Wahlberg: “I could have saved Joe Paterno’s life”

Wahlberg saving the life of an
Italian Porn actress
Action movie celebrity “Marky” Mark Wahlberg stated yesterday evening after hearing of the death of former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno that had he been present at Paterno’s bedside he could have taken “drastic medical procedures” that would have saved the football legend’s life.

In addition to have been able to stop the 9/11 attacks (as he stated last week), Wahlberg says he would have initiated a series of “high-profile action maneuvers”, including grabbing the coach’s bed and pushing it fast down the hallway to an Operating room, where he would have either grabbed a huge syringe and plunged it into paterno’s chest cavity, or grabbed a charged set of paddles, rubbed them together while shouting “everyone stand back!”, then “Clear!” as he plunged the paddle’s on the coach’s chest, reviving his heart and bringing him back to health.

After reviving Paterno, the action star says he would have “clamored down the drainpipe outside the building, then jumped through the open moonroof of my BMW” before driving home to make up some stir fry and watch some “Frasier” reruns.

In addition to saving Joe Paterno, Wahlberg also says if on the scene, he also could have stopped the Titanic from sinking (or the Jim Cameron movie from being made), saved the Hindenburg, and “done a hell of a better job with a water belly landing” than Captain Chesley Sullenberg when emergency landing U.S. Airways flight flight 1549 on the Hudson River.

"First of all, I could have braked and banked the plane 90 degrees port to avoid that flock of geese," claims the Napoleonic actor, "Then skimmed the Hudson until we did a soft entry up on the sand bank on the east side. No harm, no foul, and nobpody would even get their shoes wet.

"They would be today calling it the 'Wahlberg Phenomenon' or something like that."

Monday, January 23, 2012

Watch the Video Trailer for my Upcoming Novel "Standers"!


A production of the new Tidal Wave Studios, directed by Hunter Brumfield. "Standers" is being published by Iron Cauldron Books, Richmond Virginia. Publication date is March 31, 2012.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

'Anonymous' Hacks News From Doswell in Deliberate Attempt to Steal Comedy Gold!

Replaces original hilarious blog entry about “Half-Ton Teen Dance Mom” with a dry treatise on Ethics and Compliance in the insurance industry.

Blogger miffed, yet unable to remove offending hack.
Over the past few years, the insurance industry has been forced to confront numerous charges and concerns related to ethical standards and practices within its ranks. Few would argue that some consumers do not view the insurance industry in a positive light. Certainly one reason for this is that the average consumer does not fully understand or appreciate insurance products, but recognizes they are something that's needed. Consequently, these consumers rely on the insurance industry and its many and varied representatives to provide them with appropriate information, advice, products and service. In the majority of cases, this reliance has served the insurance buyer well. Unfortunately, when the confluence of events is such that the information or the service or the product later fails to live up to the consumer's expectation, charges of malfeasance or neglect arise - sometimes valid, sometimes not. When enough of these charges are heard, the regulators step in with new or revised requirements that are intended to reinforce ethical business practices.

Unfortunately, it's possible that the ever-expanding focus on the issue of ethics may, in the long run, serve to undermine the very essence of this important issue. As more and more requirements in the form of mandated insurer practices, producer education requirements and consumer information and disclosure guidelines become attached to the issue of ethics; they may unintentionally and unwittingly undermine the force of ethical standards.

How can this be? Aren't rules and requirements that support ethics a good thing? Don't they encourage better business practices? Don't they protect the position and rights of the consumer? The answer is yes - and no. When the pursuit of ethics is translated into and defined as a body of regulated practice requirements, it becomes "compliance." Depending or relying solely on compliance requirements in order to conform to ethical standards will surely fall short of the mark because there is a big difference between compliance and ethics.

Being "in compliance" with the law means adhering to a minimum set of required standards. Compliance requirements simply cannot embrace the whole of ethics or its spirit; statements of policy, laws and regulations cannot cover every issue or question or situation that may arise. Ethics goes beyond compliance; it appeals to a higher standard, a moral code. Ethics is a form of self-regulation, based on principles. Conforming to mandated compliance standards is what one must do; conforming to ethical standards is what one should do. Rarely do the two conflict; the difference is the scope of thought, words and conduct each entails. Compliance rules and requirements are associated with statutes and regulations and they find strength in the threat and reality of legal liability and recourse. In contrast, ethics - though grounded in the law - is associated with social responsibility and public welfare. An activity - or lack thereof - may be legal; it does not necessarily follow that it is also ethica[entry truncated]

Friday, January 20, 2012

Have you read the Excerpt from my Upcoming Novel "Standers"?

See this and a lot more at Standersnovel.com!


  ...Before he pulled out onto the highway Jake turned on the radio. The FM band was blank across the board, with nothing but static except for 101.1, a presumed local station that ran a recorded announcement advising listeners to tune to one of the emergency AM frequencies to receive “news and official information”.

“. . . those frequencies in the Shenandoah Valley section 1, 2 and 3 listening areas,” said the digitized male voice, giving away its software manufacture by putting emphasis on the wrong syllables in between crackling bursts of interference, “are 610, 720, 1490, and 1510 on the AM band. Please tune in to these bands. This is KMZL 5-4-1.”

Jake flipped the radio to AM and tuned to 610. He caught the tail end of a recorded message but it replayed itself almost immediately, just like the tunnel traffic reports he used to hear going through the Hampton Roads bridge tunnel in Hampton, Virginia:

“Attention listeners in range of this broadcast,” the dreamy female voice commanded, almost sounding seductive in her delivery as she started her loop again for the umpteenth time. Suddenly reminded what women looked like, Jake sat up and took notice, almost feeling aroused at the sound of a female voice. That certainly was a feeling he never experienced in prison. “The department of Homeland Security, the FCC, the CDC and the United States military would like to remind everyone that admittance into section 1 and section 2 evacuation zones is expressly forbidden until further notice. Attempting to gain admission into either of these zones is prohibited, and could result in arrest and a charge of trespassing.”

Jake wondered why the Center for Disease Control suddenly had authority on admittance into the evacuation zones. Was there a pandemic issue? Were the standers now disease carriers? Shit, he hoped not, after just digging through the pockets of one of them to steal his phone and car keys.

“We appreciate your cooperation!” the female voice continued. “Please understand the safety of our citizens is our highest priority, and your government’s highest priority is to maintain law, order and stability during these unsettled times. Please remember too that it is a federal crime to touch or otherwise engage a standing corpse, either inside a cemetery or in a private burial site. Have a great day!”

Have a great day? Was she kidding? Jake suddenly remembered his shortwave friend and wondered if he was still going on the air every night at 2 AM. He never said “Have a great day”. He spoke the truth, and Jake suddenly missed him. He couldn’t wait to get home and see if he was still around.

Knowing that with helicopters patrolling the sky and gun-freak security manning the checkpoints, Jake was anxious to get off of the major routes and on the back roads. After a cursory check for more snooping choppers, he pulled the Camry out on Route 250 and turned east, driving fast only a half-mile or so before getting off on Route 608. Driving only a short distance he pulled over to look at his map. Jake had forgotten how good it felt to open up a fast car on what turned out to be a desolate stretch of highway.

Looking at his map he devised a route steering clear of Waynesboro and its section 2 evac status, concerned that the guards there may not be as understanding as the ones at the Staunton gate. Route 608 would take him out past the Interstate, where he could take back roads over near the town of Lyndhurst through Sherando, which would then take him either on Route 56 or another narrow route that was marked unpaved over the Blue Ridge mountains, bringing him out well south of the supposed dangerous city of Charlottesville. It looked like a plan.

Folding the map open to his route on the passenger seat, Jake took off down the twisting road, passing the newer housing projects (all sitting empty) and eventually into the country. He passed Tinkling Spring Church, which according to the sign was one of the oldest Presbyterian Churches in the Valley. The hospital across the road appeared empty as well.

The church’s ancient cemetery was filled with equally ancient standers, and as Jake drove past he could see the very old mouths and the skull-like faces and the stooped, gnarled bodies of the ancient, long-forgotten valley residents, who lay for a hundred years or more in peace but were now dragged up out of their dirt beds and protesting loudly about it.

Jake’s shut car windows and blowing a/c drowned out the hoarse screechings of the creaky elders, but Jake saw quite clearly their tattered, shredded burial clothes, their wide-open mouths and unhinged jaws, and their jerking, spasmodic heads and necks. They were not at all happy about being pulled from their resting places, and a shiver of fright raced through Jake as he sped by, glancing at the horrible display as if it were an unfolding car accident that he couldn’t tear away from. He may be becoming a leader among the living, but he had little tolerance for the standing dead.

As the Interstate 64 highway loomed ahead, Jake looked closely, noticing not one car – which was a good thing, as no cars meant there were no security personnel trying to catch them. He zoomed under the bridge and continued on his way toward the town of Stuarts Draft.

After a few more miles, just as the loneliness of the empty road began lulling him into a perpetual state of daydream, Jake startled to see a 1970-style pickup truck in the road ahead, driving slowly toward him. Slowing down, Jake’s heart skipped as he craned to see the driver, worried that it was going to be a security guard or a Black Iron Commander or some such ogre driving an unmarked vehicle. The truck slowed as well, but the driver made no effort to initiate communication. Jake could see it was an older, confused-looking man behind the wheel, and he hesitantly slowed and rolled down his electric window as he pulled alongside of him.

He was an unshaven man, perhaps in his 60s. He looked warily at Jake for a few seconds as they stopped beside each other before he cranked down his window only a couple of inches.

“I ain’t got any food with me.” the man said, obviously startled by Jake’s gaunt and unshaven appearance but somewhat impressed with his immaculate car.

“It’s OK,” Jake answered, “I have food.”

“You with the police?” the man asked, “You gotta say so if you are.”

“I can tell you with all honesty I am not a policeman, nor am I with the military or the government,” Jake answered, relieved that the man seemed to be a plain farmer civilian. He knew, however, that the man was staring at his brilliant, divine eyes.

“Did you come from Staunton or Waynesboro?” the man asked, “Are the roads open?”

“They’re not open, and I suspect they won’t be open for a while,” Jake said, “I was told by the guards at Staunton that I should stay away from the cities, especially Charlottesville, because they’re too dangerous. Where the hell is everybody?”

“Not a clue.” The man said flatly. “Me and my wife, we got a disabled grown daughter, we hid when the army guys come knocking. She needs medicine, but I can’t find none.”

Jake debated telling the man too much, lest he be a spy, or worse.

The man shook his grey head in exasperation. Jake thought he was probably a lot younger than he looked. He too was a survivor, and the wear and tear of living hand-to-mouth in a war zone showed on every line in his weather-beaten face. “World’s gone to shit.” the man said with no fanfare, and probably eager to not give away his life story to Jake either.

“Are there more people around this area?” Jake asked, trying to be friendly but realizing his question sounded suspiciously like he was trolling for more civilians to round up. “I mean, I’m not tryin’ to . . . do you know of any . . .”

The man put his truck in gear and started cranking up his window. “Nice talkin’ to ya.” He muttered as he hurriedly drove off.

We’re breeding suspicion, Jake thought as he watched through his rear view mirror the man drive away.

Coming March 31, 2012
Published by Iron Cauldron Books

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

$487 Million x 329,445 Abortions ≑ 2,406 Adoptions = Ka-Ching!

Planned Parenthood Celebrates latest death tallies

By Art Mutt, NFD Guest liberal columnist

According to its latest annual report, the Planned Parenthood Federation of America received $487.4 million in tax dollars over a twelve-month period while performing 329,455 abortions and only 2,405 adoption referrals, marking the most productive year yet for the nation’s largest and most efficient baby-killing government-funded monolith.
“We are thrilled with the latest statistics,” claimed PPFA President Cecile Richards from her 9th circle underground sewer, surrounded by feces-flinging faceless homunculi. “We achieved a reimbursement rate of $1,478 and some change in taxpayer money for every abortion we performed. That’s higher than Medicaid reimbursements for nursing home care! We are proud and thrilled with the progress we are making in ridding America of those undesirables – plus getting all that taxpayer dough is just icing on the cake.”

President Obama called in his congratulations from his Disneyworld villa upon hearing the news. “If only the Post Office were as efficient as Planned Parenthood!” he joked.

The latest report shows an almost steady increase in the number of abortions performed at its clinics from previous years: In 2006, Planned Parenthood oversaw 289,750 abortions; in 2007, it was 305,310; in 2009, 331,796; and, in 2010, it did 329,445 – a small decrease from the previous year.

“2010 was a tough year for eugenics – oops I mean women’s rights,” stated Richards, correcting herself. “While we performed fewer abortions, we only had 841 adoption referrals, so in comparison we actually outperformed other years, but the spreadsheets don’t always portray the true story.”

“But today we are back on top, continuing our founder Margaret Sanger’s goal of producing a ‘race of thoroughbreds’, or like Bela Lugosi once said “A rrrrace of supermen!”

But not everyone is celebrating Planned Parenthood’s exciting year. Pro-life extremist, right-wing woman-hating teabagging baby-hugging president of the Susan B. Anthony List, Marjorie Dannenfelser called the organization an “abortion giant” that deserves – gasp – defunding.

“With over a billion in net assets and a business model centered on abortion and government subsidies, it is time for Planned Parenthood to end its reliance on taxpayer dollars,” Dannenfelser said in a statement. “Despite an unprecedented effort by statewide and federal leaders to defund them, a wave of former employees willing to testify against them, Planned Parenthood continues full-steam ahead.”

“Dannenfelser is crazy,” stated Richards as she tore the meat off a bird-like carcass with finely-honed dagger-like teeth at a table adorned with candelabras made from human skulls, “What she doesn’t realize is the more babies we kill in the womb, the fewer elderly people nutty republicans like her will be able to eventually push off cliffs in their wheelchairs. So she is angry that we are depriving her and others like her of that pleasure.”

“So it just makes good business sense.”

Monday, January 9, 2012

Doswell Blogger Announces New Novel!

Doswell Blogger Dale Brumfield proudly announces the impending release of his 5th novel, "Standers"!



Visit the Website at Standersnovel.com

The dead are standing on their graves.